ROY Ingram in Bearsden tell us of his friend travelling down to Glasgow from Aberdeen by train and sitting opposite two women who were joining a hen party, and who proceeded to drink two bottles of Buckfast before falling asleep.

Says Roy: "They were still asleep when the train arrived in Glasgow, so he nudged one of them awake and told her that the train had reached its destination. 'Thanks', she said, 'are you going to Stirling as well?'"

A right carry on

SOMEONE perhaps missing the point was the flustered chap seen by a reader in an Argyll cafe who ordered a vast range of snacks and drinks for his family sitting at a table behind him.

The girl serving him asked: "Do you want a tray?" but he replied: "Do you not think I've got enough to carry?"

Hamming it up

GERRY McCulloch was in a Largs store when he thought a young boy with his mother was being a tad pretentious when his mum asked him what he would like and he replied "jamon" instead of merely saying "ham."

However Gerry had to quickly revise his thoughts on who was being pretentious when the mother replied without batting an eyelid: "Serrano or Iberico?"

Animal instinct

GREAT time of the year to own a dog with all those dry light nights. Many an owner will agree with Amy Vansant who tells us: "I swear that my dog spends half his time trying to understand what we're saying to him, and the other half trying to pretend he doesn't understand what we're saying to him."

Don't count on me

THERE are a few avid crossword solvers amongst Herald readers. George Stewart came to the aid of a chap doing a newspaper crossword this week who asked: "The clue is 'it checks population growth' and is C_N_ _ _." George told him it was "condom" then got the newspaper the next day and discovered it was in fact the more prosaic "census"

Kiss off

OUR pub pies stories remind Martin McGeehan: "In Greenock, we tell of the barman who suggests today's special offer to the customer. 'A pie, a pint and a kiss from the barmaid - £10' he says, and nods towards his female assistant.

"The customer looks at the barmaid for a few moments and asks, 'Is it an Aulds pie?'"

Cup of cheer

THE start of the week can be tough for many people. A reader was in a Glasgow branch of a large coffee chain where the chap behind the counter asked a customer: "Regular or decaf?" The woman merely replied: "It's Monday. Who would drink decaf on a Monday?"

Fat lot of good

A JORDANHILL reader gardening at the weekend heard his wife who was watering the flowers slap herself then shout over: "Why can't midgies suck out fat instead of blood?"

Problem drinkers

A STIRLING reader just back from a holiday in Spain was much taken with the sign on the wall of the pub he frequented which stated in English: "Bars are one of the few places that will solve your problems - and create your problems at the same time."