LOVELY island, Arran.

Occasionally officers from the police traffic division go over to check on any wrongdoers.

Iain MacLean tells us: "Chap on Arran was done by the visiting traffic polis for using his mobile phone while he was driving.

"The call was from someone warning him that the traffic police were on the island …"

New spin on tourism

THERE are plans to erect three wind-turbines on the hills behind Rhu which, as you can imagine, is causing a bit of a stooshie.

Among all the application papers lodged with the council is a list of tourist attractions within a radius of 10km of the site.

Number two on the list is Charles Rennie Mackintosh's Hill House in Helensburgh. Number one? Helensburgh Launderette.

Wonder what that says about Helensburgh …

No gazebos here yurt …

SOME weather in the east of Scotland over the last two days.

We fear for the Edinburgh Book Festival, which is in a small tented village, and we ask press manager Frances Sutton how they are coping with it all.

"Remarkably well!" she tells us cheerfully.

"I think the only casualty was the little press-interview gazebo that I had to retrieve from the top of the yurt!"

Not stereotyping, but that's definitely a sentence you are more likely to hear in Edinburgh than in Glasgow.

Mother of all holidays

TALKING of Edinburgh, Fringe performer Jason Byrne was a bit confused when he asked an audience member whether he'd been away on holiday this year.

The chap shook his head, to which his wife retorted: "Aye, he has!"

A baffled Jason just had to ask: "So why don't you think you've been on holiday?"

"Because it was with his mother," came his wife's response.

Boyish good looks?

AND cabaret artist Amy G, appearing at the Underbelly in Bristo Square, once performed at the Fringe on the same bill as the famous Ladyboys of Bangkok.

As she entered the stage she heard a youngster in the audience ask loudly: "Is that a Ladyboy, or just a regular boy?"

Says Amy: "I started wearing a padded bra the next day."

A tidy response

A READER in Edinburgh swears he heard a young chap in the city say this to his pal.

"My landlord came round to my flat earlier, and started telling me I need to keep the place a bit cleaner.

"I just sent him away with a flea in his ear …"

Covering up the rust

MANY a person can sympathise with mature comedian Jenny Eclair, who wailed: "My fake tan looks like the worst body-spray job on a knackered old car."

They fought to tweet

SOCIAL media continues its constant advance.

A reader tells us: "I was using my phone in my GP's waiting room where I was explaining to an old chap who served in the war what a Twitter follower-count is.

"I think he regrets winning the war now."