BIG day at Wimbledon yesterday.

It reminds Bill Heaney of nipping into a butcher's shop in Edinburgh which had parking restrictions on the road outside.

The butcher reassured Bill by telling him: "Traffic wardens around here are like tennis players – they don't come out when it's raining."

Now you see him ...

OUR tale of the entertainer on a ferry to the continent reminds Ian Glasgow: "I once saw a magician on a ferry where the crowd was also a bit uninterested. He managed to persuade a volunteer to go up on stage and blindfold him.

"But after doing this the volunteer just walked off stage never to be seen again, leaving the magician asking thin air to 'Pick a card'. It was funnier than the comedian."

Case of foot and mouth

JIM McDonald in Carluke was going through the discharge procedure at hospital after a foot operation when the nurse handed him an appointment card which had written on it: "FU nurse appointment." Not knowing what that meant, Jim asked: "FU nurse?" A very angry hospital angel snatched the card from him then burst out laughing.

She explained that they get so much abuse she thought Jim had sworn at her – and then she explained what a Follow-Up nurse was.

Nice to see you

TALKING of hospitals, George Smith in Clydebank, says: "After the preliminary preparation for an operation I was to undergo in Gartnavel that day, the nurse said that she would 'See me on the other side'. It didn't boost my confidence in the surgeon."

Starring role

ACTORS Emma Thompson and her mother Phyllida Law, who have appeared in a few costume dramas over the years, received honorary degrees this week from the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland in Glasgow.

One college visitor who saw the actresses in their academic gowns alongside the BA acting graduates was heard to remark: "What's this place like? It's Gownton Abbey."

Crowd pleaser?

MEANWHILE actors over on the other side of the country are gearing up for next month's Edinburgh Fringe.

Nadia Brookes, who talks about her solo trip across America in Tyke Rider, was once working on a Holywood movie where she had to stop tourists in New Orleans walking past an archway where they were filming.

Her shouted requests were simply ignored so Nadia, dressed in a striped top and black jeans, pretended to be a mime artist entertaining the crowds and to walk past the arch on an imaginary tightrope with suitable wobbles and brow wipes.

She felt rather pleased with herself as it stopped the tourists but when she picked up her hat afterwards all that was in it was a measly 15 cents.

Puff pastry

AUTHOR Deedee Cuddihy was in Hillhead Library when she spotted a display of American pulp fiction which included the strangely titled The Corpse Wore Pasties.

She inquired if there was indeed a strange character in the novel who decorated his victims with Cornish pasties and other baked pastry items, but was told that the pasties in question was an American term for the small circular coverings striptease artistes put over their bosoms.