A FEW husbands might identify themselves with this. Jo Platt tells us that she was in a posh Cotswold pub - well they are all posh down in the Cotswolds aren't they - when she heard a woman at the next table look at her husband's plate and ask him disparagingly: "Would you like me to eat some of your salad, so that people don't think you're common?"
TRICKY business dealing with delicate issues in the office. A reader tells us there were a group of female colleagues who were discussing whether they should tell a fellow member of staff that he had bad breath, and perhaps he should do something about it. No one wanted to mention it, but suddenly a male member of staff who was listening to them, stood up, went over to the chap they were talking about and asked: "Have you got any breath mints?" When the poor chap answered in the negative, his colleague replied: "Thought not," and went back to his desk.
OUR story about the confusing rugby chant of "Up Doon!" reminds Ken Burchell: "The district nurse was in school. A long queue formed outside the medical room, and when I got called in, she was busy cleaning equipment, and without turning round, shouted, 'Strip to the waist!' Somewhat aggrieved by this command, I snorted back, causing total consternation, 'Up, or Doon?'"
STRANGE addresses continued. Says Chik Duncan: "Not a postal address exactly, but years ago I subscribed to a writers' magazine because I mistakenly thought that was how to become a writer. It was based in Cornwall and when I received my copy it was addressed to Charles Du Cann. I nearly nicked it as a nom de plume."
SO it now looks as though the Rangers extraordinary general meeting will now take place at Ibrox following another London hotel turning down their booking. "That's assuming," phones a reader, "that the Rangers directors don't make a mess of booking Ibrox."
WE'VE mentioned before confusing coffee sizes. A reader was in an Edinburgh coffee shop where the sign stated "R £2.50, L £3.00" with R of course meaning regular and L large. However someone beside our reader stared at the sign from some time before asking: "What's the difference between left-handed and right-handed coffee?"
MATT Vallance in Ayrshire tells us about a local farmer who retired and was seen driving one of those little Smart cars in the village instead of his usual Mercedes. When he was asked why he had swapped, he replied that driving the Smart car reminded him of being on his quad bike when he still ran the farm.
A GLASGOW reader perusing a jobs website thought he had found an interesting position when he spotted a headline for a "Public Affairs Ass Man" paying over £30,000 a year. He thought it was perhaps comparing the backsides of MSPs to see who had the most attractive. Sadly when he read further down the advertisement he realised the heading was an abbreviation for "Public Affairs Assistant Manager" so he's still looking.
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