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cop shops

The Met plan to cut costs by closing inquiry desks in police stations and working out of counters at Costa coffee, churches and football stadiums.

Putting cops in shops will make crime easier to report. In Marks & Spencer a distraught man says: "There's been a robbery. She pickpocketed £100 from my trousers this morning. Now she's up in womanswear committing credit card fraud. I can give you a description of the perpetrator but I'll need to go into witness protection."

In Ikea an angry woman says: "I want to report a stabbing. It will be some time in the next 20 minutes with a Gynnsam cook's knife or the Gnistra which is better value at £9.50. He's been walking against the flow again and asking when do we get to the hot dog bit. I'll swing for him, so I will."

In Tesco Maryhill a customer rails at the injustice of shoplifted items not qualifying for Clubcard points. His lawyer will be taking this to the European Court of Human Rights.

In TK Maxx, a mother reports an abandoned child: "My Kylie keeps wandering off so I've tied her to the rack of ladies' winter coats while I pop into Primark. You don't have a set of five-and-under handcuffs I could borrow to be on the safe side?"

In House of Fraser a customer is charged with lewd behaviour and wasting police time after asking the duty WPC to take his inside leg measurement.

In Starbucks, over a skinny latte, a man confesses to hate crime. The constable says don't worry, it's not illegal to hate Christmas. The man says while he's there can he report Starbucks for alleged tax fraud.

Meanwhile, down at St Alphonsus of the Barras church a special constable curate asks: "How long is it since your last confession? It may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Plead guilty now and your sentence will be mitigated to 10 Hail Marys and a Glory Be to the Father."

Up the road at Celtic Park, a fan approaches the polis counter beside the Bovril kiosk and says: "There's been a terrible miscarriage of justice. That was never a penalty and big Sammy was definitely onside for the chalked-off goal."

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