The Coalition plans to reduce workers' rights and make it easier for employers to sack staff has been the subject of frantic calls to our advice helpline:
My boss says with this new legislation I will have to be more humble in future. I don’t want the sack so could you advise me on a suitable level of humbleness or humility, whatever the word is?
The new employment law will set a minimum of “so very ’umble”. To be on the safe side you should model yourself on Uriah Heep.
What, Uriah Heep the hard rock band of the 1970s? The ones who sang Stealin’?
No, the character from David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Try to work the phrase “humble servant” into conversations. But avoid Heep’s penchant for fraud and treachery.
This is slightly off-topic, but my seven-year-old son has just been assessed as fit for work by the Department of Work and Pensions. I’m worried he might get sent up chimneys.
This is unlikely. There is a long waiting-list for this kind of work due to the lack of chimneys and no lack of applicants.
Nor will he be put to work picking oakum as there’s little demand for it these days.
What’s oakum? Not another Dickensian reference is it?
Afraid so. Oakum is what Oliver Twist recycled from tarry ropes in the workhouse. It was used in shipbuilding. Don’t dare ask what shipbuilding is.
I see David Cameron is trying to get Britain opted out of the European Union 48-hour working week limit. What’s the plan here?
Quite simple. If people work 12-hour shifts six days a week, British industry will be more competitive with China and India.
If successful, the plan is to increase the working week eventually to 90 hours. An added bonus is people will be too tired to riot.
How many tea-breaks will there be in that 15-hour day?
Just the one when everyone stops for gruel.
Surely we’re not going back to the days of dark satanic mills?
No. It will be dim satanic call centres with the new regulations allowing the use of a lot fewer light bulbs to save money.
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