OUR competition to win Ian Black's new book out for Christmas, titled, immodestly enough, The Almost Completely Ultimate Weegie Jokebook, has elicited some nuggets for names for Glasgow self-help books.

John Aitken offers: Reinvent Your Life - Identity Fraud for Beginners; I'm OK - Screw You; and Use Your Head - Self-Defence Techniques. Gwen Stokes goes for Modern Manners and What To Do If You've Got Them; Healthy Eating and How to Avoid it; and On the Buroo? How to Find Success in Avoiding Paid Employment.

Dee McKillop favours Sobriety for Beginners; Sobriety - side-effects explained; The Complete Guide to Career Destruction; 101 Excuses for Not Doing Housework; and Sickness Absence - How to Claim Your Annual Quota.

Gordon Black thought up Positive Thinking: Mebbes Aye, Mebbes Naw; and Eric Flannigan Unleash the Bam Within, with a foreword by John Smeaton.

Army reunion AS we prepare to send the spaghetti-munchers home to think again that fine organ, The Famous Tartan Army Magazine, is taking on a new role - reuniting long-lost Scotland supporters. Editor Iain Emerson explains: "In a recent letter a supporter said he had seen a photograph of his old, lost, fellow footsoldier in a copy of the magazine and inquired about his whereabouts as they had lost touch some years ago. We printed the letter and titled it Desperately Seeking Sweeney'. Mark Sweeney, the lost footsoldier, read it and they were reunited in Paris at the recent France v Scotland game."

And there under the Eiffel Tower they joined the other estimated 20,000 Scotland supporters in a fine rendition of "It's just a big pylon."

Weak excuse WORD reaches The Diary that 91-year-old Davie Gillon, one of the worthies in Ayr's Brig bar, visited the doctor to tell him his right leg sometimes went a bit weak and he had difficulty walking. The doctor examined him and said it appeared to be old age and the leg was getting tired - to which Davie replied that his left leg was the same age and did not cause him bother.

All the gizmos TAKING a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into a petrol station. As he gets out, two tees fall from his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the (for the purposes of the joke) rather dim-witted attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the attendant.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Michty me," exclaims his interlocutor. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Success on a plate FORMER Glaswegian Frank Wallace noticed while following the fortunes of the Texas A&M University American Football team from his wife's hometown of College Station, Texas, that they have a young 6ft 5in, 22st Offensive Guard whose standing in the community would be assured if he decided to settle in Scotland. His name is Kirk Elder.

Frank suggests that his physical presence would be an even bigger asset, particularly at collection times.

Burns bash ROBERT Stevenson, past president of the Glasgow and District Burns Association, tells us that the august body is celebrating its centenary in some style tomorrow with a dinner in the City Chambers with the city fathers. On Sunday past the association and friends were invited to the service in the Cathedral by the Reverend Dr Laurence Whitley who made them extremely welcome. However, he kept referring to the company as the Burns association. Robert said: "Abbreviations like that remind us of the perpetual joke about the patient being wheeled into the emergency room from the ambulance muttering in delirium, Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!' In the background a nurse can be heard calling urgently for a porter to take the patient to the yes, you've guessed, the burns unit."