Explaining the rationale behind the womenswear collection for Celine which she showed last month at Paris Fashion Week, designer Phoebe Philo said:

"I wanted it to feel like something you've collected. I was thinking about how edited our lives have become, how edited I tend to be. I wanted to explore not editing, and see where that led me." Got that? Me neither. Most of the women I know collect Facebook friends and ex-boyfriends and that's about it, and it's hard to see how those things could come together in a clothes collection.

Menswear changes far more slowly than womenswear but again the inspiration has to come from somewhere. Or has to be seen to come from somewhere: if all you have on your mood board is a takeaway menu and the number for the local taxi firm then you're doing something wrong. Far better to stick up a picture of a bearded Jeremy Paxman, a still from One Million Years BC, a picture of the awful 1995/96 season Barcelona top (why not?), a takeaway menu and the number for the local taxi firm. At least you'll keep visiting journalists guessing.

So what influences do menwear designers cite when it comes time to explain themselves and their clothes? If you're Montreal-based label 3.Paradis and you're describing your winter 2014 line, it's riotgear, Japanese mobsters and kimonos. According to its own statement, the label takes inspiration from "Japanese culture, outer space and the military wardrobe. This season, 3.PARADIS paints the picture of the dark path of the modern-day space warrior." Translated into things you can wear, that means "new age luxury kimonos" and a "deconstructed vest inspired by [the] Japanese elite police bulletproof vest". It would be the strangest looking SWAT team I'd ever seen.

Let's not just pick on them, though. When he showed at London Collections: Men back in June, designer Alex Mullins described his influence as "American Indian motorcycle gang". Upmarket accessories label Campbell Cole, meanwhile, said its offerings were "inspired by modern living architecture" with each item being "a portable living space for your belongings". Or a bag, as it's known. Over to John Smedley's spring-summer 2015 collection and we learn it takes cues from "both the rough and smooth landscapes found at sea". Do you find landscapes at sea? If yes, do you find seascapes on land? Maybe on Planet Fashion.

My favourite, though, is Common People's spring-summer 2014 collection which was intended to reflect "the essence of Scottish summer holidays" and was inspired by "1970s field trips" and "Celtic art". I'm guessing that last bit means those finely-wrought crosses you see on tea towels rather than the grafitti on the approaches to Parkhead.

As for the essence of a Scottish summer holiday, in my experience that's rain, midges and the smell vinegar makes when the chips have cooled beyond the point of no return. And I really don't want to know what clothes inspired by that lot would look like.