Nicola McGowan, Clydebank, 29

MY husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years. The first miscarriage was just after we got married and we’ve had four in the space of two years. We were on honeymoon in Cuba and I was nearly 12 weeks along. It was the safe point. I started to bleed and there were no English-speaking doctors. Where were in a tourist area and there was only one tiny clinic.

I just knew what was happening. I was crying and in so much pain. Once we got to the clinic, they scanned me and told me, “There’s you baby” and gave me a picture. My husband was relieved but I knew something wasn’t right. The way I was feeling, the pain and bleeding was still there.

I went to the toilet and it landed in my hand. I screamed for my husband. He came in and I was sitting on the toilet with this thing in my hand and he says, “is that it?” I said “I think so.” That will always stick with me. Seeing it there, I’ll never get that out of my head.

I wanted to go home but I couldn’t. Flights to the UK were only once a week.

We went back to the hotel and when I walked in I was so empty. It was horrendous but I couldn’t stay in the room the whole time. We had to eat.

Luckily, when I did go out my husband had told the people we had met there. They were coming up to me and it was nice that people were genuinely upset for me but I didn’t want to be there.

I wanted to try and not leave the honeymoon in such a downer. We were in Cuba and I wanted to deal with it when I got home. But I couldn’t. I would see people enjoying themselves and there was a woman who had a new-born baby and everywhere I went, she was there.

When we got home, we had to tell everyone. We had announced it at the wedding. I phoned my mum from a payphone in Cuba but we had to wait until we got home to tell everyone else.

Telling everyone was like reliving it. I would feel like I was doing OK but when I had to say the words, we’ve lost the baby, it was so much harder. I know you’re not supposed to tell anyone until you are 12 weeks but we thought we were at that point. It was our first pregnancy so you don’t think you’re going to lose it.

When I think back on Cuba, it is such a horrible memory and it shouldn’t be because it was our honeymoon. When we arrived we couldn’t be happier. Just married and pregnant in Cuba and then I just felt like I had nothing.

A part of me feels like I left my baby in Cuba. We bought booties when we were there and we buried them with a note to the baby to close the chapter. A part of us wants to go back in a few years to see it but right now it’s too painful.

Although we have had three more miscarriages since then, nothing compares to the first. Because I was so far on, I was so prepared to have a baby. I had names picked. I was supposed to come home and have my scan a week later.

But these miscarriages have made my marriage stronger. After Cuba, we went through a really hard time. At that point I didn’t talk about my feelings but we finally sat down a few months later and talked and since then we are far stronger.