Picture this

CULTURE minister Frank McAveety was at the National Gallery to announce Lloyds TSB's sponsorship of this summer's big exhibition of Tiziano Vecellio - or Titian to you and me. Standing before the gallery's Diana and Acteon painting with gallery boss Timothy Clifford for the photographers, Frank innocently asked: ''What's this picture about?'' Tim, of course, went into culture overdrive leaping about for quarter of an hour giving Frank a graphic account of the background to the picture and what the artist was trying to achieve. At that, Westminster culture minister Estelle Morris arrived and was also asked to have her picture taken. As she walked towards Sir Tim and the painting a senior official was heard to mutter: ''For God's sake, don't ask him about the picture.''

Beat the teens

SPORTS broadcaster Archie Macpherson (pictured) and his wife were enjoying a break in Paris, when Mrs M felt someone tugging at her handbag on the Metro. Turning round, Archie found a man with his fingers inside his spouse's bag and, unable to ward the pest off, duly threw a punch and lamped him. To the Macphersons' horror, the chap dropped motionless to the platform.

Archie, as benign and pacifist a fellow as you will find, was then doubly horrified, having summoned the Paris polis, to discover that the menace, who gradually came round, was no more than 16. A bemused Archie, at 69, has been telling friends that he thought he was beyond such a youthful knock-out.

Too hot to handle

ALISTAIR Neil draws our attention to Alzheimer Scotland holding a sponsored firewalking event on the 25th - you know the sort of thing, walking across a bed of hot coals in your bare feet. On reflection, it perhaps wasn't entirely appropriate for them to advertise it as ''Make this a special Burns Night.''

l A Bleary-eyed BBC breakfast viewer avers that she saw a caption on a Robert Kilroy-Silk item earlier this week which in fact read ''Robert Kilroy-Slik''. Whether this was a slip of a finger on a keyboard or a subtle assessment, was unclear.

Good vibrations

MARRYING at Glasgow's Park Circus registry office just before Christmas, a bride-to-be requested a seasonal touch to her big day's music. Determined to keep their civil wedding services free of all religious connotations, Park Circus staff solemnly insisted on playing her chosen CD, Christmas with the Rat Pack, checking its lyrics for anything offensively Christian.

Silver Bells, by Dean Martin, was vetoed for mentioning an angel. Frank Sinatra was then plainly heard, during It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, to croon ''Peace on earth, goodwill to all men,'' leading a registry office czar to vow: ''We cannae be havin' any o' that.'' The happy couple eventually walked down the aisle to the Beach Boys.

When talk is cheap

PUBLIC relations - the art of sounding positive no matter how wrong you get it. Last week BT announced that Yell, the second largest of the Shetland islands, would have a phone in every house.

With photographers, councillors and reporters invited along, 82-year-old Danny Hughson, who had held out against the new-fangled telephonic device, was finally wired to the nearest telegraph pole. The next day, after seeing the publicity, another resident of Yell pointed out that he didn't have a telephone, either. In desperation, BT announced: ''We now accept that Mr Danny Hughson is not the last person in Yell to have a telephone connected. But we feel that to be recognised as the penultimate householder in Yell not to have a telephone installed is still a great achievement for Mr Hughson.'' Close, but no cigar BT.

l Punning shop names? Michael Flannigan at Glasgow company the Media Shop has just received a brochure from Sow Easy - a garden seed company.

Art of ignorance

ONE of Glasgow's newer restaurants was visited last week by one of the city's older female residents, who scanned the menu and then informed the young waitress: ''Can ah get the vegetarian la-zag-nee.'' The waitress, being of Portuguese origin, failed to register every nuance of the woman's order, politely asking her to repeat it. ''The la-zag-nee!'' cried the woman in an exasperated tone, adding: ''Does naebdi roon here speak English?''

Scotland speaks

MORE Diary readers offer to help first minister Jack McConnell's search for a slogan for Scotland.

l Scotland - You can't touch us, we're part of the Union. (Ken MacColl, Oban)

l Scotland - Raining World Champions. (Doug McVitie, France)

l Scotland: 100m midges can't be wrong. (Ewan Innes)

l Scotland - Only a short flight from the rugby world champions. (Alasdair Buchanan, Luncarty)

l Alba: Ceud Mile Failed'tae. (Craig Weldon, Edinburgh)

A bottle of that fine malt Glengoyne to Doug, with the final winner tomorrow, so Jack McConnell still has time to put in an entry.