HAPPY Birthday, Queenie. I’m sending you this card early because I remember the last letter got stuck on the mat for days because you were having one of your wobbly weeks and the homecare had neglected to come.

Ninety on April 21, eh? I'm glad you share a birthday with Her Majesty, because I always remember that it’s time to get a card off to you when the papers start going on about Elizabeth II’s big day, talking about her impressive longevity. I recently read a few of her incredible health secrets. Did you know that ER only eats four small meals a day? Or that having pets, like her corgis, can be a factor in reaching a grand old age? Or that having lots of family around you, like chubby-cheeked Prince George and cuddly Princess Charlotte, probably contributes?

Some even speculate that it may have something to do with her personal wealth of £277 million, or even the £344 million per year she and her family reportedly cost the taxpayer. But, I say: “Look at our Queenie. She’s also still going at 90, 10 years past the average life expectancy in her part of the world, and she’s got none of that stuff. All she’s got is good genes, the television to keep her company and about £150 a week from her pension. Beat that for endurance.”

Still, I’m not dismissing those regal health secrets. I’m sure they’re worth following. Though I guess four meals a day is maybe not something your homecare worker can provide, particularly if, as you say, she has to dash out the door to get onto the next client almost as soon as she gets in. I hope, by the way, that the care provider got my letter, complaining about the times you had to choose between getting washed and having a cup of tea, and that the problem with the recliner button on your chair, the Queenie throne, has been sorted. I was also sorry to hear you had to give Smoky, your cat, to a new home. But it’s enough of a struggle to keep yourself going let alone a pet too, especially when you’re having to go days without electricity like you did last winter.

But most of all I’m sorry that, yet again, I can’t make it for this birthday. It’s quite a trek across town and there’s so much going on here. What with work and the kids it’s just non-stop. I hope on the big day you have some visitor or other, maybe one of those “lovely, overworked girls”, as you call your carers.

What are you planning? Am I right in remembering that, for your 80th, since no-one was coming to visit, you treated yourself to a nice trip around town courtesy of your free bus pass, to take in the sights and give “the people” a regal wave? I guess that’s not possible now you’re not so mobile. But at least you’ve got that instant guest switch, the television remote control. And, by the way, you’re not alone in this Queenie. I read that 350,000 people in Scotland said that the television was their main company. And that around half a million elderly folk in the UK spent Christmas alone.

Like you, I do so love a royal birthday – particularly this one, since it coincides with yours. Did you know that the Queen got 20,000 birthday cards and 17,000 emails on her 80th? Among her gifts was a tea set from Tony Blair. This year, I read, Kate Middleton has cooked up some homemade chutney as a present. For the woman who has everything!

Yesterday I bought a newspaper with a Her Life In Pictures pull-out. They say the Queen has made such a contribution. Well, Queenie, you did too. It made me think how fascinating one of those things newspaper pull-outs covering your life would be. You joining the WRENS in 1944, you working in the munitions factory, you with your big brother who lost a leg out in Burma, you bringing up those four strapping lads, you working in textiles. Though I guess there weren’t the same number of official photo shoots for you as ER had. But there must be one or two pics around – even though I do recall you said that the box of photos went missing when you were forced to move after the landlord sold your flat.

Have you heard, by the way, of some of the grand festivities they’re putting on between now and Her Majesty’s Official birthday in June? There’s a street party, at just £150 a ticket, the official party in May, at £76. I’ve already booked cheap train tickets down to London to watch the Birthday Parade and Trooping the Colour. It will, I’ve heard, be quite the event. Maybe you’ll be able to catch it on the box. If a television camera points my way I’ll try waving at you. You’ll be able to spot me no bother. I’ll be holding up a big banner saying: “Happy Birthday Queenie!” Two birds, one stone.

Oh yes, Queenie, reaching the grand old age of 90 is something to be celebrated. What a marvel. What lives you’ve both had. What we could learn from you – if only I had time just to sit and listen to some of your tales. In fact, let’s organise something, before it’s too late. Maybe you should have an official birthday too. There must be an afternoon free for me to pop in sometime after my trip to London. Write back with a suggested date before the diary fills up!

Queenie is a fictitious character, though most of the statistics on this page are real.