Standing room only

SO what's been happening in Glasgow's trendy coffee shops? South side establishment Cafe Strange Brew took to social media to implore: "This is awkward. when we said to you to 'grab a seat' we didn't actually mean for you to take one of our much-loved Scandi-style dining chairs home. But hey, these 'misunderstanding' happen. And to compensate for you having to walk all the way home with said chair, only to have to walk all the way back with it to return it to rightful owner, we will sling you brunch on the house as a thank you for not stealing aforementioned chair, thanks."

Yes, someone did steal a chair - I mean if you see someone walk out with furniture you just assume it's going for repair or whatever. Anyway another customer was not so forgiving, replying: "Sling them brunch? I'd be slinging their hook. You are too generous."

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Stomach churning

HIGH drama off-stage at Edinburgh's Traverse Theatre during Ian Pattison's play "Love and Death in Govan and Hyndland" when, as Stephen Clyde playing Ivan was saying farewell to his mother, a member of the audience took ill and vomited spectacularly.

The play was halted, director Alison Peebles rushed to the chap's aid, paramedics were summoned, and it was 40 minutes before it resumed. Stephen took his eventual bow to rapturous applause from the audience while feeling that it was he who should have been applauding them.

Sky's the limit

WE are still trying to puzzle out Brexit. James Melville attempts to explain the Westminster Government's attitude by telling us: "Hello is that Sky? This is Theresa. I'd like to cancel my subscription but still receive all your channels. The ball is in your court."

Make a date

A PUBLIC relations company contacts us to point out that it is Friday the 13th this week and that 49m Brits - how do they know? - have worries about the date. They also explain that the superstition stems from Jesus being crucified on a Friday and Judas Iscariot was the 13th guest at the Last Supper. It reminds us of the blasphemous gag: "Are you coming to the Last Supper Jesus? What do you mean 'Last' Judas? Eh, no, nothing, just a slip of the tongue."

The company goes on to give Scottish examples of bad things happening on Friday the 13th and states: "Scottish football club Rangers were voted into the third division of the SFL on Friday the 13th despite SFA claims that this placement would cause financial catastrophe and a slow death of the game."

So it was all down to dates for Rangers. Who knew?

Doesn't count

POSTCARDS continued. Says George Brown: "Years ago my wife was writing our holiday postcards and I went into a shop and asked for 12 stamps. The young lady behind the counter apologised and told me they had only books of four."

Burning ambition

IT'S National Curry Week, and Bob Jamieson tells us: "When I lived in London in the seventies there was a curry house, The Chittagong, in South Kensington regularly frequented by students after a skinful. The restaurant offered a refund if you bought a Bangalore Phaal and finished it. Obviously we all tried at some time and you could see the staff grinning as the sweat appeared on student foreheads after one mouthful. It must have been 90% chillies, and no one succeeded.

"Since then I have tended to go for taste rather than kamikaze curry."

Just nuts

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Neil who declares: "A boy just asked me if I could retrieve his conker from the bottom of a well.

"But I'm not falling for that old chestnut."

In a rich vein

MORE on growing old as Ruth Buzzi states: "You know you're really getting old when they discontinue your blood type."