2011 Review 9: Tom Shields' Almanac for 2012

February

David Cameron and Nick Clegg admit they are having counselling about their relationship. Clegg reveals he has spent secret weekends in Paris and Berlin in a menage a trois with Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy. Prince Philip begins diamond jubilee tour of old folks' clubs speaking about his heart operation. First conviction under Offensive Behaviour at Football Bill act as Partick Thistle supporter gets five years in jail for singing: "Hello, hello, how do you do? We hate the boys in royal blue. We hate the boys in white and green. So eff the Pope and eff the Queen."

March

Air traffic is again disrupted by eruptions in Iceland. But there is widespread relief that the volcano concerned, Katla, is easier to spell than the previous one, Eyjafjallajökull. Vladimir Putin sweeps to victory in Russian presidential election, mainly due to fact his main rival had suddenly been jailed and struck off the candidates' list. International observers express concern about quantities of invisible ink and empty Tipp-Ex bottles found at polling stations. Putin warns dissidents not to be Bolshie. Prince Charles is first to be evicted from the house in the jubilee Big Brother Buckingham Palace special.

April

The Coalition ends in divorce. As part of the settlement, the Conservatives are given custody of Danny Alexander. Stirling Albion fan is charged with Fife-ist hate crime for singing: "They come frae near Lochgelly. They're dirty and they're smelly. They huvnae got a telly. The Cowden family."

May

After a snap UK General Election, the Scottish National Party holds the balance of power in a hung parliament. However, David Cameron reveals he has been seeing Ed Miliband ever since the

break-up with Nick Clegg. Conservatives and Labour both commit to Coalition. They have found common ground on sanctions against merchant bankers who do not contribute to both parties' funds. Prince Charles is first to be voted off the jubilee special I'm Royalty, Get Me Out Of Here after he refuses to eat tucker trial chicken entrails because they were not organic free range. Arab Spring comes to Scotland as Dundee United win the Scottish Cup. Putin changes title of head of state from president to tsar. It's shorter and more authentically Russian, says the new Tsar Vladimir the Terrible.

June

Lady Gaga has gone vegetarian. Her outfit for the MTV awards is made of lettuce with some strategically placed curly kale. Tory-Labour coalition announces package of reforms which reflect the new spirit of co-operation between the parties. Eton is to go comprehensive. Benefit cheats will face the death penalty. Members of Parliament will have longer holidays and bigger expenses.

July

Wettest Glasgow Fair holidays since records began sees day-trippers being able to go doon the watter in Argyle Street. The nation rejoices as Buckingham Palace announces there will be an unexpected royal wedding during Her Majesty's diamond jubilee year. Prince Harry's bride-to-be was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when he met her. Channel 4 wins rights to documentary series My Big Fat Royal Wedding. Mothercare is granted royal patent for maternity wedding dress.

Tsar Vladimir the Terrible gives a job to his cousin Ras, saying: "Ras Putin is a bit of a mad monk but he's a hard man to put down and I'm sure he'll make a perfect chief of the secret police."

August

The Metropolitan Police announce tough new measures in the event of disorder on the anniversary of the 2011 riots. No more than two looters at a time will be allowed into shops. Early despair at the London Olympics as Britain wins many silver and bronze medals but fails to get a gold. Then celebrations as Team GB beats Germany in the final of the football thanks to a dodgy decision by a Russian assistant referee. James Forrest of Celtic scores the "they think it's all over, it is now" goal.

September

Final of Austerity MasterChef is won by contestant with a dish of egg and chips followed by nothing for pudding. Princes William and Harry are joint winners of I'm A Prince, Get Me Out Of This War In Afghanistan. Mass arrests in international match at Hampden Park as Tartan Army sing about alleged sexual orientation of former English football pundit, Jimmy Hill.

October

Tory-Lab coalition collapses as Cameron confesses he has been involved in a sordid affair with Ukip all along. In snap election, SNP win all Scottish Westminster seats so no need for an independence referendum. Tsar Vladimir the Terrible is overthrown in snap Russian revolution but he is given his old job back with the KGB. His cousin Ras Putin dies after eating poisoned honey cakes, being shot, beaten with a club, and thrown into the river Neva to drown. New Soviet authorities say it was suicide. Oh, those Russians. Boney M return to top the charts.

November

Lady Gaga is nominated in the Tartan Clef Scottish Music Awards. She turns up in a dress made of tattie scones but is upstaged by Susan Boyle wearing the full Scottish breakfast. The Queen abdicates to concentrate on a TV career. First project is a remake of the comedy series The Royle Family. The US Republican party convention chooses Newt Gingrich as presidential candidate with Herman Cain as his running mate. People say Sarah Palin might not have been such a bad idea after all.

December

Prince Charles is first contestant voted off The Weakest King, a special edition of quiz show to select the new monarch. Surprise winner is the current 22nd in line Lord Culloden. The grandson of the Duke of Gloucester, Xan Richard Anders Windsor (as he is also known) is only five years old and will rule the country from his Xbox. Jamie Oliver festive special shows how a quail can be an adequate substitute for turkey at Christmas. But no leftovers for sandwiches on Boxing Day. Union flag is lowered at Hogmanay celebrations in Glasgow, Scotland's new capital, as England is granted independence.