THE late Tory Scottish minister and rapscallion Sir Nicholas Fairbairn features in Yorkshire MP Greg Knight's just published book of parliamentary barbs, Dishonourable Insults.

Greg recalls Sir Nick, who liked a glass or three, unsteadily approaching a fellow MP’s wife outside Westminster, who was in evening dress, and telling her: “Good evening my dear. You are very pretty. And what a beautiful dress.

“However can I offer you some advice? I have to say you would look far more beautiful if you took the dress off. Can I help you in this regard?”

Loading article content

A police officer bundled him into a taxi before more offence was created.

Household bills

AUTHOR Greg in his book fails to name, alas, the Labour MP who once declared: “In my constituency, if you pay the rent on time, they arrest you for robbery.”

iLoved my doll

A READER tells us about a fellow mother at the school gate this week who shook her head and declared: “My daughter’s 11, and has an iPhone. When I was 11, I was happy with a Cabbage Patch doll.”

Slice of political life

THE LABOUR Party, like all political entities, has gone all high tech and embraced social media. There are Facebook pages supporting Tom Harris and Johann Lamont’s bids to become the next leader of the Labour Party in Scotland. Unfortunately a fictitious bid to be Labour leader by a Mr Toasty, a giant piece of toast with arms and legs, has so far got more Facebook supporters than either of the genuine candidates.

Playing away

AN AYRSHIRE reader who attended the comedy My Romantic History at Glasgow’s Tron Theatre burst out laughing when the girl on stage listed her previous boyfriends. After getting a dig in the ribs from his partner he quietly explained to her that the list of boyfriends – Conor Sammon, Craig Bryson, Garry Hay and Cammy Bell – were all past or present Kilmarnock players.

The writer of the play, DC Jackson, is clearly a fan of the Ayrshire side thus disproving the stereotype that Scottish football fans do not know anything about a) the theatre, or b) romance.

Scoring an own goal

PARTICK Thistle are holding a special celebration at Hampden next month to mark the 40th anniversary of beating Celtic, who still had a number of Lisbon Lions playing for them, 4-1 in the League Cup final.

It was a glorious win, of course, but a little vignette we remember from that day – the Thistle team, followed by a camera crew, returned to their Firhill ground after the game to celebrate their win.

As the players stood outside Firhill it soon became apparent that no-one could find the key to let them in.

As one Jags player remarked: “I could have become a professional footballer or joined the circus. With Thistle you could do both.”