WHY men shouldn't go shopping.

An assistant in a Glasgow Co-op store tells us a chap came in looking for double cream, but she had to tell him there was none left. “I’ll just take two singles then,” he replied.

Tram lines

Loading article content

NoSTALGIA alert. Next year is the 50th anniversary of the last tram running in Glasgow, and already Greenock author Allan Morrison has penned his light-hearted homage, Last Tram to Auchenshuggle, just released by Edinburgh publishers Luath.

Allan claims his next book will be the follow-up First Tram to Princes Street, as at least he will have plenty of time to write it.

And dare we ask our more senior readers for their favourite tram stories?

Star struck

A FORMER student, going for his latest job interview, later told his pals in a Byres Road pub: “My dad told me to make a really good first impression.

“So I wasn’t sure whether to open with my Sean Connery or my Frank Spencer.”

Wishful thinking

A READER was in a city centre coffee shop yesterday when a woman at the next table, ordering a biscuit with her coffee, told her companion: “If you break a biscuit in half, all the calories fall out.”

Feeling flushed

SCOTS telling foreigners tall tales reminds Sandy Macinnes in New Zealand of telling a collegue that his parents in Fenwick had just had indoor plumbing installed and there was to be a fete in their garden with all the village coming out to witness the wonders of modern plumbing.

Adds Sandy: “She was sceptical, but after the assurance that the reason so many Scots had ruddy faces was due to the fact that the outside privvie doors were only half size and we were weather beaten from constant wind in our faces, she happily accepted my tale.”

Language problem

JOHN Robertson, the former Nottingham Forest star and latterly Celtic assistant manager, tells in his just published autobiography, Super Tramp, that he signed for Forest as a naive 15-year-old Uddingston schoolboy.

As he put it: “A lot of the game’s terminology was a foreign language to me. When somebody first shouted ‘Get Back’ at me I thought they were referring to an old Beatles record; the only tackle I knew was in fishing, and I thought work rate meant that somebody wasn’t being paid enough.”

Alarm call

JOHN of course played for legendary Forest manager Brian Clough, pictured, who once fined him £50 for being late for training.

John apologised and said he had slept in.

“It would have been cheaper for you to get yourself a decent alarm clock,” Clough replied.