OUR tales of cheap beer in Paisley remind entertainer Andy Cameron of when he worked in the crazy Rootes car factory in Linwood.

Recalls Andy: “Big Hughie Campbell from Johnstone spent most of his day berating Paisley Buddies for being miserable.

“My favourite was his tale of the Paisley pub, when St Mirren won the Scottish Cup in 1959, selling drink at 1920 prices – the year the pub opened.

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“There was a queue outside a mile long of Buddies although the pub was open. A stranger asked why they weren’t taking up the offer, and was told, ‘we’re waiting for the happy hour’.”

Norse code

WE have good memories of mischievous Govan Shipbuilders’ shop stewards’ convener Sammy Gilmore who has died, aged 72.

He once told us that when the Govan yard was being taken over by Norwegian company Kvaerner there was a mass meeting of the workforce to decide whether to oppose it.

But Sammy said he knew the workers were willing to go along with it when one of the workers arrived for the meeting with two horns stuck on his safety helmet to make him look like a Viking.

Spitting mad?

SAMMY could always tell a story against himself. He once said he was in the pub when a fellow toper came over and asked if he was the chap from the shipyards. Said Sammy: “Of course I liked being recognised. Then he told me I would have been on the telly show Spitting Image, only there wasn’t enough Plasticine to make my bloody nose. That sorted me.”

Playing her cards right?

OLD hoofer Bruce Forsyth received his knighthood from the Queen at Buckingham Palace yesterday. We assume she avoided the temptation of saying to him as she handed the gong over: “Nice to Sir you, to Sir you nice.”

Chest jest

TRAM tales continued. Says Charlie Provan from Larkhall: “My father claims that a man who had just visited a jumble sale in Govan Town Hall and purchased a large tin chest full of books tried to board a tram at Govan Cross.

“He managed to heave the chest under the stair when the clippie appeared with hand aloft. ‘C’mon get aff, we’re full up’.

“‘But,’ the man stuttered, ‘I’m the man with the tin chest’.

“‘Look pal, I couldnae care if ye had a wally a***, yer no gettin’ oan ma caur’.”

Animal magic

AND Stephen Coyle in Cambuslang recalls the classic: “Tram travelling past Shawfield Stadium on a Friday evening as crowds from the greyhound race meeting are exiting. Passenger says to conductress, ‘Is that the dugs comin’ oot?’

“The onductress replies, ‘Naw, that’s the mugs comin’ oot. The dugs go hame in a van’.”

His hang-up

A CHAP keen on the latest hi-tech new phones called to ask us: “What did the Blackberry user say to another?” He then supplied the answer: “Nothing”.