IAIN Todd at Strathclyde University has recently moved from the east end of Glasgow to the west end, and already he has noticed a difference.

"This morning," he tells us, "I saw a cat walk along the path to my tenement, then jump up and chap on a window. It then jumped down, stood by the door, waited for the buzzer to indicate it was open, and then walk in.

"This could only have happened in the west end as cats in the east end go in through the back window without permission."

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Has anyone noticed any other differences between the city's various arrondissements?

Head knock

OUR picture of the bin marked "Mixed Ass" reminds Jim Thomson of his first day after being promoted to assistant headteacher at a Glasgow school. "Pride and enthusiasm," he tells us, "were dented somewhat when I reached the door bearing the ominous sign Ass Heads."

Some blusher

AN AYRSHIRE reader overheard a woman on the bus tell her friend that her daughter's bag had been stolen at her staff night out with all her expensive make-up inside it.

"Oh," replied her friend aghast, "that would be a nightmare for me as the make-up in my bag cost £300."

"Wud ya no' be better wi' a facelift?" her friend asked.

Name to be sniffed at?

AMERICAN singer Beyonce and her hubby have named their just-born daughter Blue Ivy. The name, though, ,has not met with universal approbation.

A reader in Glasgow's city centre yesterday heard a woman express her disapproval to her friend. "It sounds," she declared, "more like a Glade plug-in."

Accidental humour

WE blame all these dodgy daytime television advertisements, but a police officer swears to us he attended a road traffic accident where the driver was still in his vehicle. "Are you seriously hurt?" the police officer asked him.

"How would I know," the driver replied. "I'm not a lawyer."

Plane truths

JEHOVAH'S Witnesses: Is it just us, or are there fewer of them going door-to-door these days? Reader John Bannerman was approached by two such chaps who, after chatting for 10 minutes, asked if John had ever believed in God.

"Yes," he replied.

"And when was that, sir?" one asked.

"I would say about 50 minutes before take-off, and until 10 seconds after the plane has landed," replied John.

"Even they laughed," he tells us.

Bargain basement

REASONS the world has gone awry, continued. David Clark in Tarbolton, Ayrshire, tells us about a colleague who was in a large Glasgow cash-and-carry where he was browsing through a range of bargain tools.

He asked one of the staff nearby if they "had any quality tools".

The member of staff merely replied: "There's no money in quality son – only money in crap."