THE Nottingham couple winning £45 million on the EuroMillions lottery last week reminds us of the gag when Scots couple Colin and Chris Weir won the biggest every Euro lottery prize last year.

"Did you hear a couple who live near Largs won the £161m EuroMillion draw?"


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"Of course, you can't cheat the lottery!"

Cleaning up on stage

NEWS stories of comedian Billy Connolly walking off stage at concerts in England, unhappy with hecklers, remind John Park in Motherwell of seeing Connolly in Glasgow. Says John: "A bloke in the audience started heckling him. Billy looked over at him and said, 'I don't like getting interrupted at work. How would you like it if I came into your workplace and told you how to sweep up?'"

Monocled mutineer

TATTOOS continued. Comedian Billy Kirkwood is bringing his Fringe sell-out show Show Me Your Tattoo to the Glasgow Comedy Festival. He tells us: "At the Fringe I asked if anyone had a tattoo they wanted to share with the rest of the audience. One bloke, who was wearing an eye patch, sheepishly lifted it to reveal a tattoo of a monocle covering his left eye.

"Apparently he was told by his employer it was inappropriate. Everyone erupted in laughter when he told us he was a traffic warden."

Answers needed

YOU always find a more cerebral level of graffiti in a university toilet, it seems. A reader attending Edinburgh University noticed that someone had marked on the wall "Question everything!" Someone had written below "Why?"

Pretty in pink

TIME flies ... it's the 25th anniversary of the workers occupying the Caterpillar factory in Uddingston in an attempt to save it from closure. During the occupation they made a bulldozer which they painted a shocking pink and displayed in Glasgow's George Square before attempting to send it abroad for charity work.

The story was told that one boozy chap, staggering home across George Square, swore to give up drink after claiming he was seeing pink bulldozers.

And did it make it abroad? No, the factory management reclaimed it and broke it down for spares before closing the factory. How caring of them.


PETER McMahon in Kirkintilloch proffers a fresh theory on why American entrepreneur Donald Trump is vehemently objecting to the proposed offshore windfarm beside his Aberdeenshire golf course.

Says Peter: "Anyone with a hairstyle like his does not want to be reminded of the prevailing breezes. He should use it as a warning system similar to 'red sky at night': 'if the turbines rotate, glue the thatch to the pate'."