Tensions are running high between France and England what with devious rosbif David Cameron sabotaging the European Union budget upon which so many French farmers rely for a livelihood.

And the froggie food manufacturers retaliating by insinuating horse meat into British lasagne.

In the old days it would have been enough to start a war. There has been no Anglo-French conflict since Waterloo. A proper war would be quite difficult to arrange since the two countries plan to share aircraft carriers and would have to take turns to attack each other.

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It is more likely to be a war of words between David Cameron and Francois Hollande with maybe a cultural and economic conflict on the side. How can we Scots help? Do our utmost to sustain the Auld Alliance. This concorde between Scotland and France dates back to 1295 and has never been revoked. We don't want to get involved militarily but should maybe send large numbers of the Tartan Army over to Paris and have a pally swally in the Auld Alliance pub.

We should buy a lot of French wine. If I was a drinking man I would adopt the Muscat de Beaumes-de-Venise appellation and throw my whole-hearted support behind the Pays d'Oc denomination.

Cheese will have to be eaten in great quantities.

The residents of a certain suburb of Glasgow should be buying loads of the really smelly Pont l'Eveque stuff since Pont l'Eveque, as you know, means Bishop's Brig.

We can revive the common usage of old French-Scots words. Shout gardyloo as you chuck the contents of the chanty out of an upstairs window. But not necessarily over a passing English person. Get your ashet out and make a nice horse steak pie in solidarity with our ancient allies. Tell English friends not to fash themselves just because we remain leal to the French.

Just to remind ourselves of the futility of war, we should have a big celebration on September 9 this year of the 500th anniversary of the Battle of Flodden. Our boys took a helluva beating at the hands of the English. But don't forget how good the Tartan Army is at coping with defeat.

Finally, Scotland should prepare itself for a flood of refugees and asylum seekers when the clearances begin of English residents of Provence and the Dordogne.