HORSEMEAT again dominates the headlines, which makes reader Davy Paterson ponder: "With the present fiasco, I don't think the owners of Monty's Bistro in Lerwick would have enjoyed their most recent review which describes the restaurant as 'a taste of Shetland'."

Winners, dinners

AND the gags continue. Says Graham Richmond: "I was at the doctor for a check-up, and he told me I should try to watch what I eat. So I've bought two tickets for Ayr races."

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The bottom line

RESTAURANT group Zizzi has opened a diner in the former Borders bookstore in Glasgow's Royal Exchange Square. It has been given a phone number which is only one digit away from that of the Western Infirmary, which has led to a number of wrong calls. Events manager Andrew Stewart swears a chap phoned about being booked in, and a member of staff asked if it was a table for two.

After a lengthy pause, the caller said he didn't think things were so bad that he would have to share an operating table to have his haemorrhoids seen to.

Past master

YES, we finished our school belt stories, but there's a late addition from Morton Dewar: "My history master at Edinburgh Academy was fond of asking pupils to write short notes on well-known historical characters. One day he posed the question, 'Who was Pericles?' In an inspired moment I wrote that: 'Pericles was a brother of Testicles.'

"The ensuing tawsing ensured that I have never had an inspired moment since."

Thirst aid

Sadly, Peter Gilmore, a familiar face on seventies television as the ship's master in The Onedin Line, has died.

Robin Gilmour tells us that at Glasgow Airport at the time, there was always a rush to the toilet when the flight to Benidorm was called, because many passengers had spent the previous couple of hours in the bar starting their holiday early with a few pints. Check-in staff dubbed the queue at the nearby loo the Oh Needin' Line.

Taking a dim view

A GLASGOW student at Cambridge phones to ask if we are still highlighting the oddities of American tourists. He then adds: "There was one in our local the other day. He said to us, 'So the Boat Race is between Oxford and Cambridge? I've had a look at the map – seems an awful long way.'"

Belle's shells

IT'S St Valentine's Day on Thursday – you're welcome, chaps – and we urge you not to make the mistake of the hubby last year who announced: "The wife says she doesn't want much for Valentine's Day – just some chocolates and a few little surprises."

He then added: "So Kinder Eggs it is, then."