THE internet is hosting a quiz that tells you where you should live.

I already know where I should live. I live there. But I decided to give the quiz a whirl anyway. I am wrong. I should not live in Glasgow, I should live in Portland, Oregon. "You're up-to-date on all the latest coffee brewing techniques, have a long list of local blogs you love to read, and can taste the organic goodness in every bite you eat. Move to Portland already, you sexy smarty pants."

I'm a sexy smarty pants. I love this quiz. If quizzes had been like this at university I would have achieved a lot more. I decide I'd like to know what job I should be doing. The quiz says I should be Vice-President. I'm quite pleased with this until a friend asks why I'm not President.

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Too right. I should be President and move the White House to Portland, Oregon.

After location and occupation the quizzes are slightly less useful.

Which "Dawson's Creek" character Are You? I am Pacey. "Well, sh*t. You're awesome." Less useful, but still excellent.

Are You Andy Samberg Or A Sandy Hamburger? "You are a sandy Andy Samberg hamburger hybrid." I don't know what this means.

Which Famous Person Should You Get Drunk With? My colleague Linzi gets Jennifer Lawrence. Rachel gets Beyonce. I can't wait. Wait. I get Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael Fassbender. Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael Fassbender? Humph. Still, it's because I'm so cool. It's OK.

Which Classic Author is Your Soulmate? Oscar Wilde. "You're a real charmer, and you need someone who can match your charisma and witty banter."

Which Biblical Heroine Are You? Miriam. (Miriam was a pretty successful prophetess but was completely overshadowed by her baby brother Moses. Such is life.) "Free-spirited and fiery-tempered, your impulsive nature leads you into trouble and adventure. Those lucky enough to know you wouldn't change a thing about your unique and passionate self."

So, I'm a free-spirited, socially conscious, powerful and charming hamburger hybrid.

Exactly what I'd known all along. Apart from the hamburger bit.

But wait. Which Psychic Power Should You Have? "You should possess other people's minds. You do not like to compromise and tend to be very manipulative."

On second thoughts, maybe this quiz is a bad thing.

I'm beginning to feel I don't know myself any more.