COLMENAR VIEJO, a historical town just north of Madrid, has found itself in the ...

in the, um, you know. In the doo.

And it's not taking it anymore. Town fathers have hired a private detective to wander the streets, watching out for dog owners too lazy to pick up their pet's poo. Those caught will face fines of 750 euros. If you think that sounds steep then you will be appalled by the actions of those in charge of Brunete, also near Madrid, which engaged volunteers to pick up left behind poo and post it back to its producer's owner.

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They received the dirt in a box marked Lost Property and stamped with the town's insignia.

Anyway, back to the private eye. The folk in charge said it's not about money but making sure people "start to think they are always being watched by someone".

Brilliant. When are we starting something similar here? In my experience, the vast majority of the public cannot be trusted to behave. They need the threat of a detective's beady eye to keep them in check. At the moment I simply kick people who get in the way - subtly, of course, but sharply - but a more organised approach might achieve better results.

Any space in which there is queuing should be monitored by private detective. People have lost all respect for an orderly queue. It's chaos out there and something must be done. Those swarming about like locusts would be forced to wear lanyards, ensuring they're never served. If they can't wait in an orderly fashion, they can shop online.

Folk who don't let you off the bus/train/Subway before they try to get on. Once spotted, banish them from all transport for all time. You may think this harsh. It is not harsh, it is just.

Or littering. There's a bin war round my block of flats at the moment. By bin war, I mean one of my neighbours has been a little bit mean to me. I accidentally (I swear) put a bag of rubbish in the wrong wheelie bin. My neighbour removed the bag from their bin, ripped it open and poured the rubbish over my bin.

Had there been a private gumshoe in the area I would have been more careful. And perhaps my neighbour might have been moved to pop a note through my door. You know, something civilised.

I'm totally willing to retrain as a private eye. I'm fantastically nosy, morally superior (without just cause) and have plenty of flat shoes just waiting to be worn down at heel. Who do I pitch this idea to? Show me the man in charge. Or I'll kick you.