WE like how Scots think on their feet.

Paul Drury tells us he was on the P&O cruise-ship Ventura at Corsica when a passenger who explained she was "Annette fae Macduff" was chosen by the ship's entertainer as the best dancing granny in a fun contest on deck. When she was then asked if she was delighted with her prize of a special cruise cocktail she quickly replied: "Aye - but there's four of us."

Dropped in it

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TRICKY thing advertising at times. Andy Cumming was watching cricket's Asia Cup on the telly when he noticed fast bowler Michael Johnstone wearing a shirt with the name of the cup sponsor, Indian electronics company Arise, on it. Says Andy: "Unfortunately, the way Johnstone tucked his shirt into his trousers left a fold obscuring the 'i' leaving a rather different name on his jersey."

Minding your Ps and Qs

CONVERSATIONS in toilets are often difficult for men. As Alan Pearson explains: "Went into Morrisons toilets the other day. I walked around a middle-aged chap but then noticed that the urinal next to him was lower down and just for kids. 'Oh,' says I, 'that's a wee one' and walked back to another one. 'You're not supposed to look', says the bloke."

Taking the lead

HARD to believe that not everyone is a dog lover. A reader was walking in Rouken Glen Park when a couple took exception to a dog on an extending lead padding about in front of them, and shouted at the owner: "Can't you control your dog? It walked right across our path!"

Our reader commends the owner's prompt reply: "What do you expect him to do? Mirror, signal, manoeuvre?"

Cute move

THE student library at St Andrews University has suggestion boxes so that those studying can raise questions about opening hours, heating and so on. Just recently someone put in the box: "There aren't enough cute boys here!"

Which is why on the university's website, the assistant director of libraries has patiently explained: "Lack of provision of cute boys - I'm afraid I don't think we're going to be able to introduce a policy of entrance to the Library being dependent on users' relative levels of cuteness. It's an interesting prospect but I fear would be impractical to enforce, not least because what one person finds cute may not be the same for someone else. The subjective nature of human attraction I suppose."

Crunch time

AN Edinburgh reader swears to us she was in a supermarket in one of the more challenging areas of the city when she heard someone ask their partner: "Shall we get these Monster Munch?" "Are they buy one get one free?"

"Nah, half price," was the reply.

"Nah," said the companion, and they walked on.

Name of the game

MUCH interest in our sister paper the Sunday Herald coming out in favour of independence. It certainly raised the profile of the Scottish press down south. Perhaps it needs it. A Sunday Herald journalist tells us he got a phone call from someone who works in public relations in London who said they were just checking what day of the week the Sunday Herald comes out.