REMEMBER to vote yesterday?

Edinburgh comedian Ben Verth tells us: "It's a bit sad really. I only voted because I hoped there would be some mad Ukip nutter at the polling station, so that I'd get some material for my Edinburgh Fringe show."

Crossed wires

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OUR tour guide stories remind Bob Craig in Campbeltown of the boss of City Sightseeing bus tours in Glasgow once explaining that he sat on one of his open-topped buses and listened to the tour guide giving her spiel.

He wondered if visitors preferred her to the buses using a recorded commentary so he asked the Glasgow couple sitting opposite if they had deliberately chosen a bus with a live guide.

Says Bob: "The husband was slightly puzzled by the question and replied, 'Well, she wouldn't be much good if she wuz deid'."

And former Glasgow tour guide Gordon Hogg, now in Alicante, tells us: "There was the old perennial, regularly used by a colleague, 'Up there is Glasgow Necropolis, where the inventor of the crossword puzzle is buried.

"You'll have no trouble finding his grave - it's four rows across, and six down'."

Italian job

ORDERING steaks, continued. Says Donald Macaskill in Glasgow: "The late author and broadcaster Lavinia Derwent used to order her steak 'bravissimo' or, as she translated, 'Oh, very well done'."

Money matters

THE BBC news site yesterday announced that the Clydesdale Bank will bring out five pound notes made of plastic which will be able "to survive a spin in a washing machine."

"Will that not encourage money laundering?" asks a worried reader.

Tough times

A READER in one of Sauchiehall Street's cheap and cheerful stores heard a woman shopper muse out loud as she held up some footwear: "It's either the slippers or a McDonald's."

Just imagine

SO Celtic manager Neil Lennon has departed. As one fan contacted the club yesterday to say: "Can I get a refund on the seven months left on the Neil Lennon calendar you sold me?"

Game for a laugh

THERE is though some football still being played - the two legs of the play-offs between Hibernian and Hamilton Accies to see who plays in the premier league next season.

Mark Boyle tells us: "During the first leg, as Hibs went two up over Hamilton Accies, a Hibs fan posted onto the BBC live web-feed, 'Great stuff from Hibs.

If only we could play Championship teams every week' - which of course is what his club was trying to avoid."

A bum steer

A READER heard a teenager on his bus into Glasgow complain to his pal that he couldn't dance.

He was impressed by the advice the pal gave him. "Can't dance?" he said, "Just write your name in the air with your bum. Sorted. Next problem?"

A lot of Moyes

POOR David Moyes, the sacked Manchester United boss. It's been reported that police are investigating claims he was involved in a scuffle in a wine bar.

As a football fan phones to tell us: "Given his track record it shouldn't be too difficult for lawyers to pick holes in his defence."