"In a famous horseshoe-shaped Glasgow bar I asked for a bowl of soup. When it arrived, there was no roll so I asked for one. The barman rolled his eyes and said, 'you're pushing the boat oot noo.' He lifted the last roll in the bar, tore it in two and gave me a half. 'I need that other bit for my soup,' he said."
WE mentioned Father's Day, and Alastair Stewart passes on: "At our Sunday Service our Minister asked the children what they had done for Father's Day. One boy immediately put up his hand and replied, 'I woke him up'."
What a rocket
BOSSES - always good for a laugh. A Glasgow office worker tells us that his boss was in full patronising tone when he explained what they all had to do, then ended his speech with "I mean, it's not rocket surgery, is it?"
Charity begins at home
A READER walking up Buchanan Street watched as a charity type person amiably said to two young ladies walking towards him: "Hi, can I talk to you about homelessness?"
The two girls walked past him without breaking stride, and as they passed our reader he heard a snatch of their conversation which was: "And he kept on complaining that I was selfish. Can you believe it?"
In a flap
THE joys of being young. A reader on the train in Clydebank heard a young chap protest to his pals: "I wasn't that drunk."
But a pal replied: "So why did you try to get in through the cat flap when you realised you'd forgotten your key?"
It's a conspiracy
CONSPIRACY theories abound on the internet.
A Glasgow reader tells us: "Whenever I see anyone on Facebook or Twitter coming up with some daft theory I usually contact them to mess with their heads by telling them: "Your conspiracy theories were planted by the Government to distract you from the real conspiracies."
The great escape
NEWS stories about prisons down south make reader Gordon McRae muse: "It's reported that prisons in England are severely overcrowded. Nice to see that some 400 prisoners a year are doing their bit to ease the problem - by absconding. Yes, very public spirited of them."
Let the Games begin
HOW to help visitors coming to Glasgow for the Games. What should you tell people about Glasgow? Suggestions so far include:
l We will tell you our inner most medical history if you ask for directions, then walk you to that place as we show you photos of a kidney stone.
l We wear a lot of sports clothing but rarely are into sport.
l Always say hello to dogs, we all do that.
l Fruit machines do not sell fruit.
ENGLAND are doing their best at the World Cup, but it doesn't stop one exasperated fan down south from phoning to tell us: "England manager Roy Hodgson was asked if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, 'No, we'll probably go 7-4-7 - it's wider and offers more leg room'."