WHEN in Rome ... reader Drew Fleming says he recently heard of two middle-aged English ladies who were on a coach tour of Italy that included a three-day stop in the capital.

They chose to go on an optional extra to the Vatican, and as they entered St. Peter’s Square one said to the other: “Do you think there might be a chance of us seeing the Pope?”

“Well," her friend replied, "I do believe he comes out to wave to pilgrims occasionally."

At that exact moment the Pontiff appeared on the balcony, whereupon one of the women pointed and said to the other: “Oh look! Speak of the Devil!"

GLASGOW-based crime writer Mason Cross has been winning praise for his second novel, The Samaritan.

Out of the blue, a fan emailed him the other day saying she hadn't realised he was from Glasgow and wanting to know his real name because "No-one born in Glasgow is called Mason Cross, unless maybe you're from Hyndland."

All of which has left Mason - real name, Gavin Bell - slightly mystified.

OVERHEARD in Tollcross – three men discussing, of all things, a ruler in ancient Egypt.

“Ah’m tellin’ ye, his name was Jamesie,” asserted the first. “No, no - it was Ram,” countered the second.

“You’re both wrong,” added the third, authoritatively. “The guy’s name was Ramesses.”

Unfortunately, he went on to spoil things slightly by saying: “And he was married to that Nefertatti.”

THE old ones are still the best.

Mike Haskins' new book, Best Ever Classroom Jokes (published by Portico) contains no fewer than 1,000 jokes familiar from our schooldays. It was tempting to publish an entire column's worth but we'll restrict ourselves to just a couple.

Exam question: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence.

Pupil's answer: Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid.

THEN there's this one, in which a teacher asks her class to use the word 'pregnant' in a sentence.

Jasmine puts her hand up and replies: "The pregnant fireman climbed down his ladder out of the burning building."

"Do you know what 'pregnant' means?" asks the teacher, confused.

"Yes, miss," says Jasmine. "It means 'carrying a child'."

FUN and games on Clyde 1 yesterday as DJ George Bowie outed people who lie about where they live in order to make it sound more posh.

"We have a guy from Merchant City East," he tweeted early on. "That'll be Bridgeton then."

"God help any poor yuppy type buying a flat in Bridgeton and thinking he's moved to Merchant City," one of George's listeners responded via social media.

Someone else volunteered that he has a friend who insists he lives, not in Pollok but in North Cardonald.

A third listener declared that when he was growing up in Castlemilk he told the girls he met at the dancing that he was from Lower Carmunnock.

CLEVERER film titles, continued. Today's movie - The 39 Steps, by Hitchcock. Or "If X = 3 and Y = 12 then X x Y + 3 = 39 Steps," in Russell Smith's undeniably catchy formula.

Russell Leadbetter