Big beverage news from Asia. North Korea has gone from warheads to clear heads. It’s just invented ‘hangover-free alcohol’.
So, the details. It’s called Koryo liquor. It’s 30 to 40 percent alcohol. The North Koreans describe it as ‘suave’ which one suspects initially to be a spelling error. Do you mean sauv? As in cabernet. Or are you already slurring your words?
Apparently not. It’s made of Kaesong Koryo insam – a medicinal ginseng – and "scorched rice." The lack of sugar, it claims, is why you’ll feel fresh the morning after. Suavely so.
Further particulars. The hangover-free alcohol ‘exudes national flavor.’ And ‘it preserves national smack.’ I’m not one for street drug terminology, but even I know smack is heroin, so does that mean they think the nation’s addicts will turn to Koryo instead, thus preserving the H stock? It must be powerful.
There are many global implications. For a start, this will surely open up North Korea’s doors to tipple tourists. A hermit state no longer.
Abroad, Kim Jong Un will be deified. Statues will go up in The Bigg Market in Newcastle, Ashton Lane in Glasgow, Hong Kong’s Central, Beijing’s Sanlitun. The quaffing quarters of the world, erecting homages to the Supreme Leader because he has led them into the People’s Republic of No Hangovers.
Across Scotland, a special interest. Under the new drink-driving laws, Scots seem preoccupied by the cubic capacity of a glass of wine. Is it a 125ml? Is it a 175ml? I heard a lot of millilitre-based small talk when home recently. I also saw a beer for the designated driver called Nanny State.
Might drinking pints of Koryo remove the need for such caution?
If stopped by police, the conversation could go thus:
"Were you drinking last night, sir?"
"Aye, officer, but it was North Korean."
"OK, then, on your way."
Will it only work in one type of liquor, or can the wondrous science of hangover avoidance be transferred? If so, new drinks will become famous, say the North Korean Martini, which will annoy the French though probably not to the same extent as an intercontinental ballistic missile.
But the threat of war has not receded with this news. You can imagine executives in Panadol HQ clutching their heads and reaching for their own product. Forget North Korea versus South Korea in a nuclear battle. North Korea versus Panadol in the first state-corporate war may be a possibility.
However, just as you wonder where to order a jeroboam of Koryo to celebrate your hangover-free future, I am obliged to point out North Korea claimed to have discovered a cure for Ebola and cancer earlier this year. No reason to doubt any of these breakthroughs – no reason at all – but, just in case, let’s all seek solace in a cuppa. Which brings us to another headline for drinkers.
The world’s oldest tea has been discovered in China, in the tomb of an Emperor. The tea is 2000 years old, a fraction younger than the teabag in that mug in most people’s sinks. We’re not being slothful. We’re being imperial.
Ah yes. It’s been a week of good beverage news in Asia, ‘in one’s cups’ in different ways.
Linda Kennedy
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