Robert Mcneil: I am so out of tune with radio phone-ins

Well, more fool him, particularly when the public under advisement consists of individuals who take the radio phone-in idea quite literally and actually phone in. Why would anybody do that? Why appear, as it were, on the airwaves to shout the odds?

There is a conundrum about radio phone-ins. In my view, they are a threat to democracy, as are most occasions in which the public are allowed to speak. But we are not here to discuss my view.

We are here instead to get at the truth, and the plain fact of the matter is that, while phone-ins must have appeared a good idea on paper, for some reason they attract in the main citizens whose contributions lack, shall we say, nuance.

It is said that, on radio, you can see the pictures better and, on radio phone-ins, one is often invited to envisage Monty Python’s J P Gumby, knotted hankie on head, trousers rolled up over welly boots, and fists clenched, as he rants about this and, with a good tail-wind, that.

Typical contributions: “More people should be hanged generally/Let the Scotch go their own way and end up like Greece-Zimbabwe-Iceland/They’re a’ oot tae line thur ain poackits.”

Disturbingly, I agree with at least one of these points of view. It’s also worth bearing in mind that Iceland is back to its usual position: miles ahead of the UK economically (and with its erring bankers sensibly imprisoned).

Technically speaking, the aforementioned Salmond is carrying out his radiophonic ballyhoo in another country, mention of which would be racist and vile, but it was a fellow Scot who wreaked havoc on air when he intimated telephonically that he would like to fight the controversial presenter.

The caller was a Scot, now living in Essexshire, who was passionately opposed to his own country running its own affairs.

In Scotland, but nowhere else, this is called patriotism and, while it is nice to have a hobby, there are other subjects such as astrology and shoving Hopi candles in your ears that can provide greater emotional satisfaction as well as make more sense.

However, I have not come here to argue the toss on such matters. I am here to ask why any statesman of Eck’s stature and girth would subject himself to such treatment.

Taken in the round, radio phone-ins give pub bores a good name. They’re worse than Question Time with a panel of taxi drivers. And it’s hard to get worse than normal Question Time.

It has long been my view that the voting public should be seen and not heard. They rarely know how to conduct themselves.

Canvassing for a party that I no longer support, it was my experience that the punterariat simply parrot what’s on the front pages of the tabloids. In those days it was: trade unions bad. Well, look where that got us.

You say: “You sound more undemocratic than the Gumby brigade.” Hey, who asked you? No, you are right. I have taken this too far. But, be honest, you all know what I mean.

You have all watched Question Time and thought: “I am not convinced that everyone in the studio is fully sentient.” You have. Don’t kid yourself.

But, as we have demonstrated conclusively, radio phone-ins appear to attract the worst offenders, among which I certainly do not include the above-mentioned caller to Mr Salmond, who made the telling and important point that the thought of independence made him “sick”.

Of course, it’s possible that phone-in shows are for those and such as those, who not only phone in but also like to listen to others phoning in. They are not there to provide enlightenment. They are there to appal.

In which case, I say again: why is a former First Minster of this parish or superpower orchestrating such an aural circus?

It is an outrage, and I invite him to fight me at any venue licensed to sell alcohol, and subject to his being blindfolded and handcuffed.

Actually, I see from my diary that I am busy on that day. But he can consider himself well warned.