FOOTBALL followers in Glasgow were getting aerated yesterday about Rangers signing controversial player Joey Barton. Celtic fans tried to deflate the optimism of Gers supporters by claiming Joey was a Celtic supporter in his youth. So we like the response of Rangers fan Chris Shuttleworth who declared: "Doesn't make a difference if Joey Barton is a 'Celtic fan'. We've signed him to play midfield, not run a supporters' club's away buses."

A PAISLEY reader was in the Braehead shopping centre where he watched a harassed mother dealing with a girning young boy who was constantly seeking her attention. Eventually she snapped at him: "Go and play with your wee brother. That's what we had him for."

ACTOR Bert Kwouk, who played Cato in the Pink Panther films alongside Peter Sellers, has sadly died. Growing up in Shanghai he became a smoker, like most young men after the war. We liked an interview he gave when he explained: "When I did my first ever Pink Panther film, everybody smoked. Ten years later, when I got to 'The Return of the Pink Panther', nobody smoked, except me. And Blake Edwards the director had given up smoking, and was very anti-smoking. So, from smoking on the set, I now had to creep around and find a quiet little corner somewhere, and have a quick puff.

"So I wasn't really looking for a place on set to jump out at Peter, but was looking for a place to have a quick drag."

A SOUTH side reader swears to us that a young girl got on his train to Glasgow the other day, slumped on to a seat, and told her pals: "I only left the house today so that my selfies would have different backgrounds."

DRESS codes are changing it seems. A Glasgow reader had to smile when his boss, always at his desk in suit, shirt and tie, had to go through to Edinburgh for a meeting with a computer systems company. He came back, shook his head, and gave the memorable comment: "They obviously have a different office dress code - most of the people looked like they were off to a barbecue, or maybe on their way to clear out a lock-up."

SHOUTING out at concerts, continued. Gerry MacKenzie goes behind the scenes as it were, and tells us: "In 1971 The King's Theatre in Glasgow was staging Wagner's Ring Cycle, and I was one of the stage crew. The cast was stellar and included world renowned bass David Ward from Dumbarton. During a performance the stage crew were nattering just a tad to loudly for David's liking. He ambled over and whispered, 'Sotto voce, for **** sake, guys'."

A READER emails with advice: "Lost your keys? Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times while getting increasingly angry."

OH dear a colleague is bearing down on me. When I look up he declares: "My mate has a dart-board on his ceiling." I know he is waiting for a response so I raise my eyebrows and he adds before cheerfully marching away: "To tell you the truth, it makes me want to throw up."