SO Boris is not standing. It was summed up by one reader who tells us: "Feels a bit like Boris took the UK for a test drive, crashed it into a wall, and then brought it back to the garage saying, 'I don't want it. It's dented'."

And our old chum, radio presenter Stephen Jardine, remarks: "I once had a cream cracker eating competition with Michael Gove. Now he wants to be Prime Minister. How the hell did that happen?"

WE look through the list of Tory candidates and admit we don't know much about Andrea Leadsom. We phone a contact at Westminster who rather harshly comments: "Even Andrea had to Google Andrea Leadsom to find out a bit about herself."

CINEMA shouts continued. Says Linda FitzGerald in Killin: "The old King's Picture House in Greenock was rumoured to be haunted so your nerves were on edge before you were seated. Dracula, in the film Dracula in the seventies, with bats flying around him, was in the graveyard, about to drink the beautiful girl's blood, when suddenly there was a bat actually in the cinema building. It was flitting around, attracted to the projector light. A guy in the balcony jumped up grabbing at his own throat and screamed, 'Oh my neck!' This was followed by a mass exodus of the frantic hysterical audience trying to get out the doors."

SCOTT Ritchie tells us: "Your story of the mother not wanting to sit next to her noisy child on a plane, reminds me of a stewardess who moved a lady passenger to a new seat, to get her away from a drunk sitting beside her, on a flight from Spain to Glasgow. As the plane approached Glasgow airport, the stewardess asked if the lady wanted to return to her original seat for landing. 'Oh, I suppose I had better go back and sit beside my husband' was the unexpected reply."

WE mentioned the school holidays, and a south side reader tells us she visited a friend the other day only to hear a huge commotion in the room upstairs. Her friend looked at the ceiling and explained: "I told the kids that I was going to give all the toys they no longer played with to charity. That's them just now desperately playing with every toy they own "

THE sad news that Gordon Murray, creator of the children's TV programme Trumpton, and others, has died reminds us of an interview with Gordon years ago in The Herald when he confessed very apologetically: "I'm afraid they are not terribly PC. All the men have got the best jobs and there are no ethnic minorities.''

AND boxing promoter Alex Morrison phones us to say: "Was just reading fellow boxing manager Jim Murray's obituary in The Herald. Jim was a friend of mine for years. He always joked, that as a strict vegetarian, he hoped for a big turnip at his funeral."

I RECOGNISE the purposeful stride of a colleague, which means he wants to tell me something. So I wait. “Just met an illegal organs dealer,” he bellows.

“Now there’s a man after my own heart.”

FINALLY, we go back on our word about no more lightbulb jokes, with James Bethell asking us: "How many Brexiters does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hold on a minute, we never said there'd be a light bulb."