SAYS Bruce Skivington: "At the Ecuadorian Embassy yesterday. 'Morning Mr Assange. My name is Tony, and I am your new room mate'."

And James Doleman muses: "Blair says no-one will believe how sorry he is.

"Can't argue with that."

OUR tale of the husband jumping out to scare his wife, only to find it was the wrong woman, reminds May Ryan in Perth of when she attended a church service in Arrochar, and it was so busy because of tourists, that she and her husband had to sit in one row with their three daughters in the row behind. Says May: "During Mass, and what was meant to be a reassuring gesture, my husband reached back to contact his daughters, but unfortunately a lady arrived late and squeezed in beside them which made them move up the pew, and my husband found he was caressing the knees of a complete stranger."

"I KNOW it got me into trouble," said the chap overheard in a Glasgow pub the other night. "But I couldn't resist it. My wife said she couldn't find her phone, so I asked her, 'Would you like me to call it?' When she said that would be great, I put down my newspaper, and shouted, 'Phone! Here boy!'"

JOHN Henderson reminds us that double act The Two Ronnies, way back in 1980, had a series of comedy sketches called The Worm That Turned, set in the future in 2012 which started with the voiceover: "England is in the grip of a new regime of terror. Traditionally a land of brave heroes and great statesmen, Britain now laboured under the yoke of a power guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of all men - the country is being run by women."

John points out that with Nicola Sturgeon as First Minister, a woman likely to be the next Westminster Prime Minister, Angela Eagle wanting to be Labour leader, and Angela Merkel running Europe, he wonders if the Two Ronnies were only four years out.

THE Herald farming story that reports of livestock worrying have increased by 55% reminds Margery Dobson: "Years ago when I lived in Argyll, sheep were one of the main motoring hazards, as fences were not a high priority for hill farmers.

"Each year at lambing time, a notice would appear in the Oban Times, warning that any dog caught worrying sheep would be shot. Next to this would be a notice over the name of the editor announcing that any sheep found in his garden would be similarly treated."

PACKING for your holidays? An Ayrshire reader tells us a member at his golf-club posed the question: "Why is it, when I wear one shirt a day, every day, all my life, yet when we go on holiday for a week my wife insists on packing 21 shirts for me?"

CINEMA shouting, continued. Says John Cameron in Troon: "I can remember as a child going to the Saturday matinee performances at the State cinema in Shettleston, together with hundreds of other noisy kids. Italian dubbed movies of Christians versus Romans were very popular. One film had a gory scene in a torture chamber where a very, elderly Christian priest was chained up, his old body a mass of wounds from the ordeal he had endured. A wee girl behind me remarked, 'That's a shame. Look what they've done tae the minister'."