Behind the times

MORE on Kim Kardashian and possible relocations. Dougie Campbell can’t avoid the feeling that, if Ms Kardashian were to set up home in Stornoway, she might be known as the Butt of Lewis.

Those twilight years

YOU know you’re getting old, suggests Gillian Forbes, when you have a good night out, a meal and drinks, your kids are out for the night, and you can’t wait to get home ... for Netflix.

Do Diary readers have any other “getting old” definitions? All suggestions to the usual email address.

Seconds out

THE starting-pistol has once again been fired in the Ukip leadership contest. Denis Bruce says that, given the party’s testosterone-driven history, the dream team, guaranteed to be an absolute knockout, would be Nuttall and Hookem.

Tea leaf

SCOTS rock DJ Tom Russell, whose entertaining biography, The Godfather of Rock, is launched this week, recalls hanging around with Def Leppard before an SECC gig 10 years ago.

The band’s rider – the food and beverages customarily laid on for artistes – was on display in the dressing-room. “Help yourself, Tom,” someone said, just as the band prepared to head for the stage. Tom’s gaze falling on a basket full of Earl Grey teabags, he decided to stuff his pockets full of them. Drink, it might be helpful to explain at this point, had been taken.

Later, when he met the band for a nightcap, one of the musicians glimpsed the tea-bags spilling out of his pockets. “What’s this, Tom?” he enquired.

Tom’s hastily devised explanation – “You can’t get Earl Grey in Scotland” – was, by his own admission, total nonsense.

Legal briefs

IF you’re having a bad day today, spare a thought for the sender of this email, a young female solicitor, received by a Diary reader’s colleague. We’ve been asked not to name names but are assured it is genuine.

“Hoping my Friday gets better,” it reads. “My mother’s pants have been attached to the back of my jacket since I walked out the door this morning I am mortified. I must say they aren’t the best pants either.”

Burger Queen

A FURTHER sign that Hillary Clinton is well ahead of Donald Trump in the US presidential election comes from David Black, in Washington DC. On the day after the last televised debate, he says, “Hillary Burgers” were outselling “Trump Burgers”, eight to one, at the Good Stuff Eatery on Capitol Hill.

Adds David: “It is always possible the neo-con Heritage Foundation, which is right next door, will send its interns in to redress the balance – but since they can’t actually bring themselves to endorse the man, this is unlikely.”

Child’s play

WHILE on the gripping subject of the race for the White House, John Mulholland says: “Who would have predicted that the names of the candidates would cause us to think of Trumpton – almost 50 years after it was first broadcast on the BBC?”

Butterfingers THE “dodgy” lift staged by Ed Balls on Saturday night’s Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Skivington says, proves something that many people have suspected for years.

Namely, that the former shadow chancellor really isn’t a safe pair of hands.