A lot on his plate
A MILNGAVIE reader just back from a cruise says he heard a woman from Glasgow at the next table say to her husband: “That’s the fourth time you’ve been up at the buffet. Are you not embarrassed what folk must think about you?”
“Not at all,” he replied. “I just tell folk I’m filling up your plate for you.”
Cross words
AND talking of transport, a Rutherglen reader was on the train from London when he watched a woman leave her newspaper with a half-finished crossword on the table. The chap sitting opposite couldn’t resist it, picked up the paper and started filling in the blanks.
He was very embarrassed when the woman returned as she had actually just gone to the loo and had not left the train at the previous station, and then looked around to finish her crossword.
Reality check
MANY readers, I’m sure, can identify with entertainer Bette Midler who commented on the American Presidential election: “Donald Trump says he may not accept the election result if he loses. I don’t accept my ass, but guess what’s stuffed in the back of my pants right now.”
Pregnant pause
SIGNS you are getting old, continued. Says Bill McMurray: “Giving up your seat for an expectant mother and being stared at by other passengers, while the lady in question says, ‘No it is okay, you stay seated’.”
By hook or by crook
BEST-SELLING Scots crime author Val McDermid, below, has married her partner, Glasgow Yoonie professor Jo Sharp. We still smile at Val cutting a dash at the Edinburgh Book Festival a few years ago when publicising her children’s book, Piratical Grannies, by donning a pirate hat and carrying a parrot.
As Val put it: “In one afternoon I’ve gone from 25 years of respected crime writing to the Rod Hull of crime writing.”
Driven to distraction
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from John Park in Lanarkshire: “My mate just rang me and asked, ‘What are you doing at the moment?’ ‘Probably failing my driving test,’ I replied.”
Dishing it up
A READER hears a woman in the West End tell her pals: “I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed and do the dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?”
What a bunch
CAN’T avoid a colleague who imparts a nugget of wisdom: “Give The Diary readers a bit of advice. Next time they are at the supermarket, they should put one grape on the till. It won’t register so they’ll get it for free. Repeat 60 times, and hey presto, a free bunch.”
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