THE Herald this week has been able to stream President Trump’s White House webcam, to catch up on his breakfast conversation with the First Lady, Melania.
The President, wearing a white open necked shirt and baseball cap with a $ sign logo, is munching on a burger and sipping Coke while the First Lady, dressed in pink satin housecoat and Monolo Blahnik kitten heels, sips cucumber water and nibbles a leaf.
Melania: (holding out HP sauce bottle) You want sauce with your Big Mac?
Trump: I would, yes.
She doesn’t give him the bottle.
Trump: I said I would like some.
Melania: But “would” means “wouldn’t” when you say it.
Trump: Where’d you get that idea?
Melania: In Helsinki, you said Putin wouldn’t have interfered in elections. Then you said he would.
She stops nibbling her leaf and stares at his neck.
What’s that mark on your neck?
Trump: It’s a love bite.
Melania: If you’ve been near Stormy Daniels again you know I have my divorce lawyer on speed dial.
Trump: Not Stormy, Miss Melodramatic. And anyway, I never met the woman. Not one time. Even when I was in bed with her. Not ever.
Melania: So who? Piers Morgan?
Trump: Piers’ love bite was just a little one. It faded faster than Hilary Clinton’s campaign.
Melania bangs the sauce bottle on the table.
So who?
Trump: This one was from Putin. Behind closed doors stuff. He’s got it big for me. Loves me.
Melania: You’re one crazy Trumper. He wants to control foreign markets, the Ukraine, the world. He’s using you.
Trump: He would give me the world.
Melania: You mean he wouldn’t?
Trump: Stop playing with words. I’ve got the world leaders in my hands.
Melania: Your hands are too tiny. And have you really convinced Little Rocket Man to give up his rockets?
Trump: What’s the matta with you today? Saks Fifth Avenue closed for the day?
Melania: All you say, it is fake news.
Trump: No, what you’re reading about me is fake news Melancholia.
Melania: How can I believe you? You love, then you hate.
Trump: That’s business, Baby Doll.
Melania: You care only about money.
President: Money means nothing to me. Except when it comes to spending.
Melania: So do you really hate the leader of Scotland?
Trump: I never said I hate Little Nic. Well, I did. But it’s not a big hate, like I gimongously hate Alex Salmond. And remember, my sainted mother, my queen, once ruled that beautiful country.
Melania: You like no one. Except you!
Trump. I love my team. Grab ‘em all by the pussy every day.
Melanie: You’ve sacked Rex Tillerson, David Shulkin, Steve Bannon .
Trump puts his fingers in his ears
Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer, James Comey . . . Game of Thrones never saw so enemies killed off.
President: Melodious, do you want the cover of Time? More money?
Melanie: You are seen as a joke figure.
President: The people love me.
Melanie: The Washington Post headline this week said you were ‘This sad, embarrassing wreck of a man.’
President: They said ‘He’s done tremendous.”
Melanie: (shrugs) The Washington Post also hates adverbs? I speak six languages and you can’t even speak sense.
He brings his fingers and thumbs together.
President: I’m the man of utmost integrity.
Melanie: Yes? How come you hit on me when you’re girlfriend Celina Midlefart had gone to toilet?
President: How come you called me a week later, my Slovenian sausage girl?
Melanie takes a gulp of her cucumber water.
Melanie: You would sack your own children.
President: Never. Unless Donald Junior didn’t get the grades. And I found out he was hanging around with Mexicans.
Melanie: You need to start liking people.
President: I like the British judge who’s slapped their Press in the face with old Cliff Richard records. I like Fox News.
Melania: You like the Fox reporter who accused Putin of murdering enemies?
President: Stoopid man. A child.
He takes a sip of his Coke through the straw.
Here’s what I’m saying, I love everybody. Except the Mexicans, the Moslems, the Europeans, the Germans, the French . . .
He continues for a full 20 minutes until . .
Melania: You still love Boris?
President: I really love Boris.
Melania: Because he has mad hair too?
President: Because he knows the Brits need to stop being controlled by Europe, so they can be controlled by (salutes the American flag) the master race.
Melania: You want no deal?
President: No deal means Great Deal for us.
Melania: Donald. You are in trouble. You can’t cover this up like your bald patch.
He pulls his baseball cap down tight.
Robert Mueller is gunning for you. The FBI are gunning for you.
Trump: I got the NRA behind me. We live in a beautiful country where you can go into a Wallmart and buy a beautiful semi-automatic rifle for less than one of your lipsticks. Who’s gonna win?
She looks closely at his neck again.
Melania: Wait a minute. That’s not a lovebite. That’s ink marker. You did that!
Trump: (grinning) You gotta love yourself, Baby.
Melania: I don’t know you any more.
President: Of course you do. I’m the man you married. I’m John Wayne.
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