Take a rain check
ROUKEN Glen Park in East Renfrewshire has been voted Britain’s Best Park in a poll carried out by the charity Fields In Trust. It’s a lovely park – even has its own waterfall. We remember a reader telling us he was there one summer’s evening when an excitable toddler asked her mum: “Can we go to the waterfall?” But the mother answered sorrowfully: “No darling. I’m so sorry, we can’t. They switch it off 
at night.”

Racing certainty
SIGNS you are getting older. Says Douglas Hamilton: “I was racing our elder grandson up and down the Esplanade here in Greenock when my wife caught up with us and said to me, ‘Do you think you are fitter than you look?’ Deflating.”

We’ll drink to that
BARRIE Crawford was in a restaurant for lunch when he heard a lady at the next table ask for a ginger beer and lime. The young waiter disappeared then came back to tell her: “We don’t have a bottle of that, but we could put them separately in the same glass for you.”

Born in the USA
DECEMBER now, so the pubs will soon be full of amateur drinkers on their nights out. A Glasgow reader recalls being in the pub last December when a chap heard a foreign accent at the bar and asked the young woman: “Where are you from?” She replied: “The United States.”
He kept going with: “Which part?” And she replied: “All of me.”

A tale of two Jimmies
OUR taxi tales remind actor Jimmy Martin of filming the latest series of 
Still Game at the BBC studios in Dumbarton. A taxi was booked for him and when he went outside he saw a taxi, knocked on the window, and asked: 
“Is this the taxi for James Martin?” 
The taxi driver’s face fell and he replied: “Aw naw, ah thought it was the cook 
I was waiting for.”

Changed days
WE were in a city centre pub where some married chaps were discussing changes in their relationships. Eventually one piped up: “Before I got married, my future wife would text me saying, ‘I’m not wearing any underwear.’ Now she’ll text me saying, ‘I’m not wearing any underwear – because you didn’t put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you 100 times’.”

A class act
AND a chap in an Ayrshire golf club the other week was heard to argue: 
“My children had the cheek to say I need to go to anger management classes. I told them I didn’t need anger management, I just needed people to stop irritating me.”

Meaning of the text
A WEST End reader swears to us he was in a Byres Road pub when a young woman looking at her phone told her pals: “My boyfriend just texted ‘We need to talk’. Do you think he’s going to propose?”

Golden prose
KEPT my head down and thought I had avoided a colleague. But instead he emailed me. “Fell over some gold leaf and it was all my own stupid fault,” he said, then added: “I’m having a gilt trip.”

Reflections
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Rhys James, who says: “Being in a lift is just waiting awkwardly until everyone has left so you can look in the mirror.”