Taking it lying down

OUR court stories remind George Tomlinson of a lawyer pal, defending a Glasgow rascal accused of armed robbery, who told him his client went into the building society and told staff to lie on the floor before adding: “And lie on your bellies – this is not the office party.”

Planted a suggestion MORE on street traders, as Andy Cumming recalls: “I once heard a guy selling plants at the Barras, ‘Get yer bedding plants here. Take them home and let them die in the privacy of your own home’.

“Twenty-odd years ago and the tree I bought from him is 30ft tall.”

Driving home his point

THE company Freeflush has analysed British weather statistics and has claimed that Glasgow is the coldest and wettest city in the UK. It reminds us of the tourist in Glasgow, making conversation with a taxi driver, asking, ‘Does it always rain here?’ The driver replied, ‘Naw’, then added after a significant pause, ‘Sometimes it snaws’.”

Band on the run

STILL, the Highland Games will be starting soon. Gilbert Mackay, who plays with the Neilston Pipe Band, tells us the first mention of the band is in a report of them playing at a Radical Rising in Paisley in 1819. Says Gilbert: “Warned of approaching polis, the band escaped down Storie Street. Another explanation of the quick exit was that they had double-booked a gig, and had to make a run for it, to make the second one in time. This is a tradition we maintain to the present day.”

Good grounding

SCOTS stand-up Craig Ferguson, former Late Show host on American television, is returning to the Edinburgh Fringe at the Gilded Balloon for the first time in 24 years.

Craig once told of a Glasgow gig where, when he got outside, someone shouted: “You were rubbish!”

Craig went over to the guy who then told him that he had in fact been pretty good. When Craig asked him why he had shouted out he was rubbish, the chap replied: “Just to keep your feet on the ground.”

Brain freeze

A READER in Partick goes all philosophical as he emails: “The human brain starts working the moment you’re born, and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.”

Point scoring

LOTS of comment on the Labour Party election manifesto being leaked. James Melville comments: “The Tory Party manifesto was also leaked.

“1. Keep saying strong and stable leadership.

“2. Er....

“3. That’s it.”

Bit of a blow

TALKING of which, Douglas Alexander – remember him? – the former Paisley MP who used to organise Labour’s launches, said the launch in 2001 was going well until elsewhere on the campaign John Prescott punched a protester who threw an egg at him, and that’s all the press would talk about.

Said Douglas: Tony Blair, with typical elan, simply laughed the whole incident off with the words, ‘John’s John...’ The media caravan moved on.”