Having a ball

OUR tales of taciturn speakers remind Bob Byiers of when Sir Henry Wood - no, not the conductor - was Principal of Jordanhill College in Glasgow. Says Bob: "He was renowned for his lack of small talk. At a Christmas ball in the college, a young lady student had taken advantage of a Lady's Choice (remember them?) to ask Sir Henry to dance with her. Once on the dance floor she explained that her pal had bet her that she could not get three words out of Sir Henry, to which he replied, 'You lose!'"

A slice of life

AH the Glasgow banter. Deed Cuddihy was in Glasgow's Gallery of Modern Art where a temporary installation is aimed at "letting the people of Glasgow have their say". There is a book where you can add your response to the proposition "If I could make one change in the world..." Someone has written: "Make pineapple on pizza illegal - and punishable by death."

Bare affronted

THE story of the reader caught naked by the window cleaner, leads to David Martin telling us: "A former colleague moved house recently and bumped into her former window cleaner. As they exchanged pleasantries, she was shocked to hear him say, 'I miss looking at your bare behinds.' Rather taken aback, she said she hadn't realised her or her husband had exposed themselves to the chap. At this his face went red, and he spluttered, 'No, the wee bears you kept on your window sill. All I could see was the back of them'."

X marks the spot

RELATIONSHIP difficulties continued. A Glasgow reader swears a chap in the pub at the weekend explain to his pals: "The girlfriend was talking to me about the texts I send her on the mobile, and she asked why didn't I put any exs on the end.

"Strange request, but when I sent her a text and added the names of my ex girlfriends Shona, Susan and Roberta, she went aff her heid."

Egg on his face

POLITICAL talking point yesterday was the Sunday Herald story that Labour MSP Neil Findlay is publishing his diaries in which he claims that former Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy didn't have a principled bone in his body and that when he was pelted by eggs in Kirkcaldy he "milked it for all it was worth."

We liked the reaction of Glasgow Nationalist MSP James Dorman who commented: "Day of the 'egg' I was debating with Jim Murphy hours later. He was offered a fresh shirt to wear, and refused, wishing to keep his martyr's robes on."

Who knew Scottish politics was so exciting?

Naymar no more

A PIECE of whimsy from comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli after Celtic drew Paris St Germain in the European Champions League with the prospect of the world's most expensive player Neymar coming to Glasgow. Mused Sanjeev: "When Neymar comes to Glasgow he'll visit all his Scottish cousins. Lochaber Neymar, Sutherland Neymar, Lewis Naymar, Skye Neymar."

Bowling along

HEAVY metal bands, continued. Recalled Douglas Kinnaird: "When I was at Strathclyde Yoonie in the seventies a couple of big heavy metal guys with the traditional long hair formed a band, and somehow found themselves booked in a Patrick bowling club. When they got there they discovered they were actually booked for a dance. Chaos almost occured, but the rockers asked what a foxtrot was and when an old dear hummed the rhythm to them they played a heavy rock number at half its normal speed and it seemed to work.

"They were then asked for a quickstep, and again after asking for someone to hum it, they played a number they knew at twice the speed. The dance was a huge success."

Office eejit

TRAPPED in the office by a colleague who tells me: "The wife called me an 'eejit unfunny annoying'. So I wait.

"Completely out of order," he adds.