“WHEN in doubt, shout,” runs the First Ministers’ code. “When in trouble, shout double.”
Going by the decibel count at FMQs, Nicola Sturgeon’s troubles are deep indeed.
Her current headache is GERS, or Government Expenditure and Revenue in Scotland.
Previously a handy tool in the case for independence, it this week became a Unionist cudgel, inconveniently pointing out Scotland has a record £15bn deficit thanks to the oil price collapse.
Faced with the ugliest numbers since Alex Salmond’s modesty ratings met his body mass index, Ms Sturgeon’s choice was between accepting reality and overhauling party strategy or snapping on the blinkers and bawling down all comers. She didn’t hesitate.
“All we get from Labour is a miserable talking down of Scotland and its prospects!” she barked at Kezia Dugdale for querying the cost of independence. “Scotland’s deficit wasn’t created in an independent Scotland; it was created on Westminster’s watch.”
The First Minister was “in complete denial”, gasped Ms Dugdale.
“Labour prefers Scotland run by Tories than this parliament!” howled Ms Sturgeon, tetchily adjusting her earplugs.
Tory Ruth Davidson then asked why anyone should trust the FM again in light of GERS.
“The Tory government wants, like its Labour pals, to talk down Scotland’s prospects,” shrieked Ms Sturgeon, insisting the economy was super-dandy. “We won’t hear that from the Better Together Tory-Labour alliance. That might mean talking Scotland up!”
When Ms Davidson sighed it was a pity the FM was “still tied to the Salmond playbook of bluster and baseless assertion”, Ms Sturgeon repeated that Scotland’s deficit - a source of Nat pride when it was smaller - had actually been "created" by Westminster.
Not even the Ministry of Truth rewrote history this quickly.
Finally, Willie Rennie was sandblasted to a speck for daring to claim the FM wanted separation at any price and “no fact or number" would change her mind.
“Willie Rennie’s hypocrisy gets even more breathtaking,” roared the Sturgeon hairdryer.
“Willie Rennie has a nerve to stand here and talk about cuts. We are living with the implications of his party’s government [with the Tories], which is why I suspect his already rather pathetic band of MSPs will be even smaller after May.”
Later, as she fled for the bunker, Mr Salmond patted his successor on the shoulder, as if to say he couldn’t have done it better. He certainly couldn’t have been any worse.
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