Tom Gordon

WE’RE all adults here, so I want to talk today about Willie failure. No sniggering at the back, this is serious. Willie failure can happen to anyone, and the impact can be devastating.

Take the Scottish Liberal Democrats, for instance. They had a pretty solid conference last weekend. Frisky, upbeat, pumped. And then at First Minister’s Questions, just when they were due to perform, total and utter failure of the Willie.

Up and at ‘em one minute, floppier than a broken Slinky the next.

The problem in Willie Rennie’s case seemed psychological - guilt over his party’s U-turn on tuition fees.

After a sweaty 15 minutes of Nicola Sturgeon, Kezia Dugdale and Ruth Davidson discussing student funding, it was Mr Rennie’s turn to ask a prepared question about Syrian refugees.

But he was sidetracked and undone by an acute bout of political dysfunction.

“For five years, I have been lectured by the FM on student finance,” he spluttered. “All the while, her Government was breaking its promise to dump the debt...”

At mention of broken promises, every Nat MSP hooted and pointed at his predicament.

“Order!” cawed Presiding Officer Tricia Marwick, as the LibDem leader tried again.

“It has… I have… The debt has not been dumped, it has been doubled,” he finally managed, before a jarring zigzag back to Syria.

Ms Sturgeon looked pityingly at her opponent.

“I thank Willie Rennie from the very bottom of my heart for so bravely reminding the electorate, just a few months before a Scottish Parliament election, of the Liberal Democrats’ record on tuition fees. That was indeed a most charitable thing for him to have done.”

She then explained the position on refugees.

Burning with shame, Mr Rennie had another red-faced heave.

“Just for completeness on student finance, we will…” Uproar again. “Order!” bellowed the PO.

“It is all well and good for people to laugh about refugees...” he whimpered. “Order!”

“I think that members should listen to this serious subject rather than...” he dribbled.

Ms Marwick snapped on the latex glove of authority.

“I think, Mr Rennie, that you should just get on with it.”

Maybe next time he should try a blue pill.

No wait, the LibDems did that with the Coalition. And look where that got them.