FIRST Minister’s Questions was a cracker - substantive, passionate, deafening - a Westminster-style mix of the mature and the immature, high politics and bad behaviour.
You knew it was terrific because Tricia Marwick, the Presiding Killjoy, detested it.
“Can I just say this to all members,” she wheezed with vinegary condescension at the end.
“Some of the behaviour in the chamber today has been quite unacceptable.
“Can I suggest that members review the footage of FMQs and consider whether they showed themselves and this parliament in the best light.”
To which I would say: stuff that, and enjoy the fact the parliament has at last come of age.
It’s taken almost 17 years, but Holyrood has finally hit puberty. Its powers have dropped.
The place became a seething mass of fiscal hormones today. Almost everyone went tax mad.
Labour’s Kezia Dugdale and LibDem Willie Rennie both wanted to hike income tax in 2016-17 for education, while Tory Ruth Davidson wanted rates to go tantalisingly lower and lower.
That left only Nicola Sturgeon defending abstinence. New powers? Ugh! Beastly things.
She was far too prudish to touch those. She’d save herself until at least 2017-18.
Didn’t the others know there was an election coming and that decisions cost votes?
Ms Dugdale mocked her for standing “shoulder to shoulder” with the Tories, embracing austerity and imposing council cuts.
The FM quoted Ms Dugdale’s conference speech (“We must stop tax rises on working families”) and said Labour’s plan meant higher taxes for everyone earning over £11,000.
“It’s always the same with the SNP,” sighed Ms Dugdale. “It can’t be done. We don’t have the power. The same pathetic excuses. The reality is it can be done and have the power. If she won’t stop school budget cuts, how on earth can she claim education is her priority?”
Ms Sturgeon, simmering pinkly, shot back that raising income tax would penalise public sector workers, only for Ms Dugdale to accuse her of copying David Cameron’s arguments.
“The First Minister, who built her celebrity on the anti-austerity alternative, is now leading the attack on the only alternative to austerity,” sneered the Labour leader to SNP wails.
Ms Sturgeon reached under her desk for her favourite baseball bat.
Scotland wouldn’t be facing Tory cuts in the first place if Labour hadn’t campaigned with the Tories to stay in the Union, she fumed. Ms Dugdale’s party was “an utter disgrace”.
But the Labour leader was enjoying herself too much to stop.
“Nicola Sturgeon has built her career telling us that more powers would mean fewer cuts, yet she refuses to use the powers when it really matters,” she laughed.
“She has staked her reputation on improving education, yet she cuts school budgets rather than using those powers. This was the week Nicola Sturgeon was found out.”
Mad as hell, Ms Sturgeon called Labour’s plans “a total con... absolute incompetence”.
A mighty din filled the chamber and she became inaudible. Nat MSPs cheered her anyway.
Ms Davidson then got short shrift for asking about guaranteed low taxes for Scots.
“We will put forward the sensible policies,” said Ms Sturgeon in a frenzy. “We reject the approach of Labour. We reject the approach of the Tories. And so will the people of Scotland!”
Eyes flashing, gorge rising, Ms Sturgeon looked fit to burst.
You could only pity the next sap to take her on.
Willie Rennie stood up.
Ms Sturgeon swivelled round and locked him in the crosshairs.
The FM was “no longer leading, frozen to the spot, incapable of protecting our once-proud Scottish education system,” he began.
“Instead of blaming everyone else, will she step up and use the powers that she’s now got?”
Ms Sturgeon didn’t even try to answer the question.
“I’m surprised Willie Rennie can bring himself to look a single Scottish voter in the eye,” she said, reminding him how he’d advocated a No vote in the referendum to keep taxes down.
Yet now he wanted higher taxes to offset Tory cuts the LibDems helped start.
“Willie Rennie should be utterly ashamed of himself!” she cried like a hellfire preacher.
“He should be begging the Scottish people for forgiveness, not handing out sanctimonious lectures on how to deal with Tory cuts he bears so much responsibility for!”
Mr Rennie’s face rippled in fear.
“There she goes again,” he gulped. “It’s all about posturing.”
The FM let him have it.
“I know Willie Rennie is desperate to forget the five years his party propped up the Conservatives, but the Scottish people are not going to forget the Coalition. If it’s possible for Willie Rennie to sink any lower in the coming election, he sure as hell is going to do it.”
The SNP benches erupted in blood-lust. Mr Rennie’s aides tried in vain to protest. Bedlam reigned.
Long may Ms Marwick despair of such proceedings. The rest of us loved it.
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