Tom Gordon

IT took just two minutes at FMQs before Nicola Sturgeon glanced over her shoulder at Angela Constance, the supply education secretary.

Yet again, Kezia Dugdale had strafed the FM with dire school performance stats - this time pupils sitting French, German and Chinese down a third in a year, according to a new study.

Ms Sturgeon could only flash Chalky Constance a death stare and gibber.

"I will look carefully at the research cited... It is important that I do that, because we must look carefully at any research," the FM chuntered.

Worse, a question on the mini-clearance underway in Gaelic exam halls drew an answer that didn't even mention Gaelic, but randomly shoehorned in Ken Macintosh.

"Kezia Dugdale's rival for the leadership of Scottish Labour said continual SNP bashing was making him despair," Ms Sturgeon observed with a fake titter.

"Today, he will be finding it hard not to put his head in his hands."

And not just him, we all thought, lamenting such rubbish.

"I am here asking what is happening in our schools and the FM is asking what is happening in the Scottish Labour party. Does that not say it all?" raged back Ms Dugdale.

Luckily a Conservative punchbag was on hand.

Unable to stomach Nat tutting over painful welfare reforms, Alex Johnstone jumped up to predict "a massive improvement". Dopey voters were just getting their giros in a twist.

Or, as he put it, "anyone who has been knocking doors will realise that fear is rather more widespread than the actual experience".

After the boos subsidised, Ms Sturgeon flew at her opponent, citing "families at the end of their tether coming to my office for food bank vouchers" because of Tory cuts.

"If Alex Johnstone is not finding that where he is knocking doors, he should come and knock doors where I knock doors and he will find a very different picture."

Mr Johnstone, a beefy bloke who looks like he just robbed a food bank and ate it, fell silent.

When Labour's Malcolm Chisholm raised football and Qatar, the FM's ascent to the moral high ground was complete.

Oh, the thrill of being able to gloat over folk with a worse reputation than politicians.

"What is alleged to have happened in and around Fifa is appalling," Ms Sturgeon grinned.

"If allegations of corruption around the awarding of the World Cup to Qatar are well founded, there is a very strong case for re-running that competition."

No one had actually mentioned Fifa except her, but - hey - an open goal is an open goal.