Aberdeen Donside by-election in a nutshell, as it happened, sort of thing…

Ugly people counted stuff, uglier people talked politics on the telly. The ones on STV looked like they had been dragged from their swally in the nearest watering hole. On the BBC, Professor John Curtice of Strathclyde University brought his mad professor hair and ill-fitting suit and propped up his pension plan by stating the obvious at every turn and wee Brian Donald’s small fingers were itching for the buffet.

First piece of excitement, just in, the turnout. What? OK at 39%. They think that’s OK? I think it’s shocking. It means out of every 100, 61 couldn’t be bothered. More excitement: rumours on the doorsteps that Labour have done pretty well and clawed back loads of the vote. It's 1.50am and we’re off…the SNP has won it with 9814 votes. Labour were next, with 7789, followed by Lib Dem Christine Jardine’s podium place with a creditable 1940. Reduced SNP majority, Labour clawed back 9% of the vote from the SNP. And UKIP lost their deposit. Everyone gloated about how well they did and how brilliant they are. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Comedy highlights? I was dozing off when a UKIP chap called Christopher Monckton - Viscount Monckton of Brenchley - was being interviewed and I thought it was Marty Feldman. Scary.    

I had stayed up late to see how badly UKIP had done and I wasn't disappointed. Still can’t believe they have someone running at all. Sadly, they will attract the sort of person who says wait, UKIP talk a lot of sense. What I would say is fine, again, but read their economic policy: you can send everyone back to their own country but it will cost about 78 quid from every 100 you earn. This is the sort of person who thinks UKIP have a common sense political agenda and that Bernard Manning wasn’t a comedian, but an MP.

 

Until this week, you may have never have heard of The Common Weal. It sounds like a spelling error or a mass outbreak of hives. If you stopped 100 people in the street, few would know about The Common Weal and even less would care. It’s one of those expressions much-loved by professional and academic types, which is exactly who comprises this Common Weald, the group that has just outlined its blueprint for an independent Scotland. They're the sort who love a PowerPoint presentation, a think tank with poetic quaintness and a whiff of Brigadoon in their misty rhetoric.

Anyone who knows about branding, advertising and defining a message understands it has to be clear, informative and direct, and it has to connect. This doesn’t. It’s out of touch. We're not talking about mills, shipyards, steal works and mines, we’re talking about call centres, renewable energy and tourism. It should be something positive - modern, fresh and new. Maybe something like Scotland: Our Future or a Future Nation. The Common Weal??? That’s what’s wrong with this country, it's small minded, petty, parochial. When we try to embrace a blueprint for a modern Scotland we make ourselves sound like we’re looking to a junior health minister writing about the poorhouse and TB in 1890. The Common Weal? Who speaks like that?

 

In-depth research (Google) has thrown up that it’s the motto of Glasgow Caledonian University…For the Common Weal. The Caley used to be the Tech, before that the Poly and before that it was the drop scone school. The new president of Iran, Hassan Rouhani completed his degree and doctorate at GCU. Well done to him, to them and their continued policy of looking for the common good and giving people a chance. I wonder how many international leaders have studied at St Andrews, Glasgow or Edinburgh?

 

That bam Saatchi hitting our Queen of Tarts Nigella and the whole "playful tiff" business reminds me of being on the train and overhearing a confab between two rather enlightened well-read citizens of the world. You know the types, speaking for the train to hear as well teach other. They spoke of Scottish sectarianism and "that whole Old Firm thing" being a "playful tiff" compared to sectarianism in Syria and the wider Muslim world. The louder one said that Sonny and the Cher hated each other. Then both repeated this about 20 times. Of course they meant Sunni and Shia, but I like to think of the late Sonny Bono and Cher wreaking havoc with each other over the complex harmonies of I Got You Babe.

 

Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson claims to have been asked for ID this week when she tried to buy beer at the Springsteen gig. She’s clearly going deaf. The guy actually asked if she had any 'idea'. But no, she was off on Twitter before he had a chance to probe her domestic policies... What I want to see on Twitter is a complaint by Mike Russell for being punched by a beer vendor for being a smug git.

 

Seeing the brilliantly stylish President Wee Barry speak across Europe this week reminded me of my cheeky t-shirt range - Obama sporting his Afro and just seven words: Can We Fix it? Can we f**k.

 

On the subject of foreign politics, the US are now talking to the Taliban. Forget Big Brother, X Factor and Question Time - get Al Jazeera on the phone. Talking With the Taliban…that’s a winner.

 

Wonder when the debate over exploitation of shale gas reserves begins? Can’t wait to hear Holyrood having a fracking debate.   

 

Either I’m getting old or these G8 summits are becoming rubbish. OK, George Dubya was a deranged, crazy war criminal, but get him on a mountain bike and he was like a monkey on crack.