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Scottish fitba deserves to have a starring role, does it not?

ROBERT DUVALL once won an Oscar.

Misunderstood: Jim Goodwin listens to last-minute instructions from Danny Lennon
Misunderstood: Jim Goodwin listens to last-minute instructions from Danny Lennon

Surprisingly it wasn't for his role in A Shot At Glory. The celluloid masterpiece joins a list of movies about Scottish football that have somehow failed to impress the critics when it comes to handing out the awards.

As well as Duvall, whose Scattish accent would have made even Sheena Easton cringe, the film stars a young Ally McCoist putting in what is considered his finest acting role. Well, that or the time he managed to keep a straight face while insisting he needed more players to win the second division.

Scottish football and footballers have provided the backdrop for a number of movies. Gregory's Girl, the story of how the daughter of a former Aston Villa manager won a trial with Clyde, was a huge hit, while John Wark and his wonderfully maintained moustache were central to an injury-blighted Allies XI earning a creditable 4-4 draw with the Germans in Escape To Victory.

Rumours that Vincent Lunny's job description at the Scottish Football Association was based on the infamous scene in A Clockwork Orange - with Lunny strapped to a chair inside Hampden every Monday, his eyelids forced open, as he watches hour upon hour of mistimed tackles from the weekend's SPFL games - remain unfounded.

Kenny Shiels is another who seems to have taken inspiration from a Hollywood script. The Morton manager decided recently that it was best for him to say nothing at all to the press after a game rather than speaking his mind and risk getting into trouble with the SFA.

After worrying about being outsmarted by Scotland's football writers - a highly improbable outcome one would have thought - the Northern Irishman elected to hand over his post-match media duties to his assistant.

With Shiels, of course, even a vow of silence has a dramatic explanation to accompany it. "I have spoken with the doctor and you get emotionally imbalanced," he revealed. "There's a name for it - you can't help it. If someone asks you a question, you're emotionally imbalanced at that time and you feel an urge to tell the truth."

If all that seemed vaguely familiar, then a quick rummage through the memory banks uncovered where we had heard that one before. The excuse was almost identical to the plot of Liar Liar, the 1997 movie starring Jim Carrey where a little boy has a wish come true that his dad [the shy and retiring Carrey] has to tell nothing but the truth for 24 hours, the consequences unfolding over 86 hilarious minutes. Shiels re-enacting the scene where Carrey repeatedly slams a toilet seat shut on his own head can't be far off now.

Here, then, are 10 other movies that deserve to be remade with the great and average of Scottish fitba.

10 Twelve Angry Men

The away support at a Peterhead v Stranraer game collectively vent their fury when the match is called off five minutes before kick-off.

9 Mingin' in The Rain

Willie Collum allows a game to go ahead despite monsoon conditions. Players don wellies and splash through puddles to no great effect.

8 Sideways

A 90-minute tribute to the passing style of Barry Ferguson.

7 Fear and Loathing In Largs Vegas

Jim Fleeting enlivens the SFA's coaching courses at Inverclyde by spiking the drinks of aspiring managers with mindbending drugs. Discussion on players operating in a floating role descends into fits of laughter, before the coaches break off for munchies . . .

6 The Silence of the Lambs

Jim Goodwin takes on the role of Hannibal Lecter and is even more terrifying than the original. His manager feels it is miscasting. "He's just a misunderstood lad," says Danny Lennon.

5 12 Years A Slave

A biopic on the Jim McLean years at Dundee United.

4 The Lost Boy

James McFadden mysteriously misses his flight home from a Scotland trip to Hong Kong.

3 Casino

Rangers' plans to turn Ibrox into the Scottish version of Atlantic City are captured on film. A comedy.

2 A Poke o' Chips Now

Hungry footballers hit the kebab shop after a night at the dancin'.

1 Gladiator

"Are you not entertained?" "Naw," replies the Scottish fitba-watching public in unison.

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