HURLING is so Irish it should be ridden by Ruby Walsh and installed as the ante-post favourite for the bumper at Cheltenham.
Twas bliss to be alive at Croke Park last Sunday when a nation held its breath (while simultaneously roaring support and sipping stout) at the All Ireland final between Cork and Clare.
The match ended in a draw and everybody - apart from me, of course - has to come back later this month to see who will take the Liam McCarthy Cup home.
Hurling, a sport so ancient that I can barely remember the first match 3000 years ago, is a mixture of subtle skill, unalloyed aggression, extraordinary fitness and profound values. These traits conspire to make it a game that is dramatic, spellbinding.
It is also unmistakably Irish. It leads one to consider sports, apart from the wonderful shinty, that are authentically Scottish. This nation gave the world golf and it has sprinted away with it. This country helped spread the gospel of football and now we contribute to the book of lamentations.
But here are 10 sports that remain irredeemably Scottish:
10Fighting This is of a variety that makes the caged version of Ultimate Fighting look like a minor strop in the soft play area of the local creche. Scots will fight anywhere, any time. Come ahead, world.
9Taking Offence Scots are the best on the planet. This almost invariably leads to sport No.10 but it is prefaced not by the national anthem but by a series of questions. These include some/all of the following: Are you looking at me? Are you looking at my bird? Do you have a problem? Do you think you're smart? Think you're big, do you? Fancy your chances? Have you a mate to carry you home? Do you have a death wish? Do you carry a donor card? Naw, then can you fill out this form?
8The Ancient and Honourable Game of Jumping off a Bus in Motion Health and safety has rendered this great sport almost extinct. It involved exiting the bus at a preferred spot rather than an authorised stop. As the vehicle slowed for lights or corner, the passenger jumped from the platform.
If the speed was incorrectly assessed, this left the passenger running at such angle one could be forgiven for thinking he was heading to an audition as a bell-ringer at Notre Dame.
7Accountancy and Business Law This was once the staple of universities but has also become a sport in Scotland. It involves metaphysics (what constitutes death), high finance, low finance and medium finance. It takes place in cyber space.
6Golf, but only as yir mate plays it This is a variation on the worldwide sport. Its characteristics include: rounding a score down, finding a ball that was so lost it should have emitted an SOS, coughing while your mate is putting, talking on the telephone while your mate is putting and recreating the finale of a Broadway show while your mate is putting.
5Feartie This is a related to the game "chicken" in the way a Siberian tiger is related to a Siamese cat. Its best practitioners started by dodging motors on Maryhill Road but have graduated to accepting the challenge of spending their holidays in the Fukushima nuclear power plant in Japan.
4The Scots Triathlon Commit a crime and go on the run, swim for a mile while avoiding people 'bombing' you from the top board, steal a bike and cycle home.
3Deprecation This involves bringing others' down to size. For example, on being told by a mother that her son is an astrophysicist the accepted reply is: "It's hardly rocket science."
2Self-deprecation This involves bringing yourself down to size. For example, on advising a recent acquaintance that you are a neurosurgeon you meet any acclaim with the observation: "It's hardly brain surgery."
1Scottish bungee jumping It's tough. It involves launching oneself off a 100 metre-high platform with a 101m rope. Victims are identified in that particularly Scottish way: by their lack of dental records.
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