Ten rules that will wipe World Cup 'if onlys' from the lips of Scotland fans

Unfortunately, this happened to Tam, although, as he is inclined to look on the bright side, he says his op has the benefit in the summer of having no need to turn the sprinkler on to moisten the lawn.

Tam reserves his dark side for contemplating World Cup matches. "The Croatia match was a shocker," he said, while I wiped my shoes after we had taken a moment out from a soiree in Springburn to water the window box.

"Zagreb was the sort of pain only Scotland could inflict," he added. I could only nod. This is because, us being in Springburn, someone had just severed a tendon in my neck. But I agreed with Tam. It was, frankly, disgraceful that Scotland defeated Croatia 1-0 away from home. In Glesca terms, it rubbed salt into a very large mouth ulcer.

There we were trundling along  in Group A, being beaten so often we did not know whether we were a drum or an egg. There we were comfortable in our misery. Then soddin' Scotland show us what might have been. We stride out on to a Zagreb pitch and defeat a side that are nailed on, at least for a play-off spot.

So, instead of looking back at games against Wales, Serbia and Macedonia as additions to already crowded Scottish Football Hall of Infamy, we now see them as missed opportunities.

The horror, the horror.

"They never miss a chance to torture us," Tam said. "Now we regret that disallowed goal against the Welsh, that Naisy miss against Serbia and Macedonia's offside goal at Hampden . . . we think what might have been."

Now Tam is no stranger to torture. Admittedly, he believes waterboarding is what they do at Hogganfield Loch. And, of course, he is right. But he came through the Scottish school system in the 1960s, so he knows physical, emotional and psychological pain.

But nothing has prepared him for the anguish inflicted by World Cup qualifying.

For Tam, and the health of the nation, here are 10 ways to ensure Scotland qualify for future World Cups.

10 At half-time, Scotland can employ Summer Holiday Games On The Big Park Rules. Namely, we can enlist the opponent's best player, move our jerseys closer together to make our goals smaller, and we can argue about the actual score, shouting "next one the winner" when Steven Fletcher is one on one with their goalie.

9 In the event of a draw, there will be a bottom line tie-breaker. That is, the number of fans baring their bums will be the decisive factor. History shows that the Tartan Army does this more often than a lost Amazonian tribe.

8 Home matches should only be played at Brockville on a wet Tuesday night. Pedants will insist that Brockville is now a supermarket. Precisely; let's see how tiki-taka prospers in the frozen foods aisle.

7 The opposition players must prepare in the Bazza Ferguson suite at Cameron House Hotel where they must consume a player's weight in alcohol. And the player must be Mark Yardley.

6 Goal difference should not decide the table. A nation's heart disease mortality rate should be used.

5 Basketball rules should also be employed. If an opposition team keeps the ball for 10 seconds without scoring, then it should be passed over to the Scots.

4 All group opponents must be given a pre-match briefing on plans to reconstruct the Scottish leagues. They can then individually be handed a revolver and told there is a quiet room available at the end of the hall.

3 Scotland should be given dispensation to use a pre-match haka. This haka should be Graeme Souness and he will be permitted to introduce himself to all opposition players by autographing their inner thighs with what he calls a fine-point nib. Others will insist on calling it a sharpened stud.

2 The referee who gave us that penalty at Anfield in 1977 should be in charge of all our qualifying matches.

1 Hampden's away dressing room should have piped-in music by Sydney Devine, decor should be provided by Jimmy Boyle in his famous dirty protest phase and the pre-match pep talk should be delivered by Neil Doncaster.