Hard to swallow?

CELTIC and Rangers were hoping for an easy time of it now that they have announced that Carling will be the sponsors on their shirts from next season. Nothing controversial there, they thought. But our contact from the world of global protesting tells us that Carling is owned by American giant Coors which has been variously accused over the years of links with union-busting activities and supporting the Contras in Nicaragua and apartheid in South Africa.

There are also accusations

that Coors opposed policies designed to protect the environment and to promote gender equality. Already there are mutterings about organising a campaign in the west of Scotland to avoid buying any shirts with the Carling logo on it. We await with interest the response from many a trade union leader and equal rights campaigner in Glasgow who boast of their season ticket at either Parkhead or Ibrox.

Cat trap

WEST end women in Glasgow and their fixations with upmarket shopping and cats. What's that about? We hear of one G12 lady who was explaining to her friend that her cat had got entangled in a shopping bag which was hanging over the back of the chair, and the poor creature almost strangled itself. ''Was it a plastic bag?'' asked her friend. ''Oh no, it was one from Cruise,'' she replied automatically.

Tenuous link

A FURTHER keek at how visitors are treated in Scotland. A group

of four folk who entered a

well-known Rothesay hostelry, renowned for its good food, studied the menu and asked

what the day's special was. The

girl behind the bar replied enthusiastically: ''It's Cumberland sausage, mashed potatoes, and served with a thick onion gravy.'' The group thought about this and one asked: ''Just what is Cumberland sausage?''

The barmaid thought for a moment before telling them: ''Well it's a bit darker in colour than a normal sausage, and thicker and rounder. In fact, it looks a bit like a turd.'' Funnily enough, they plumped for the soup instead.

l STUDENTS - what a lovable bunch of funsters they are. Aberdeen University's Hillhead halls of residence have had

some shiny new washing

machines installed. And just to be on the safe side the sign beside them states: ''Do not put any person in this washer.''

Sharp exit

WELL-REFRESHED Scots spotted abroad contd. Visiting Lithuania, Tom McLaughlin befriended a local woman who taught English, and accompanied her on a Baltic mini-cruise, where they bumped into an unsteady figure in a Celtic shirt coming out of the ship's bar. Tom greeted the chap warily, with a sort of: ''Hullawrerr, pal.''

He responded by staggering forward, arms upraised, pressing his nose against Tom's, and bellowing: ''See me . . . ah'm f***in' steamin' byraway!'' before wandering off. When his escort asked: ''Was that one of your countrymen? What kind of English is that?'' Tom chose diplomacy: ''Oh no, that wasn't English. He's actually Irish."

Passing comment

DRIVING through Lancashire, a reader insists he heard a local commercial radio station misjudge the tone of its heartfelt salute to the recently-deceased Bee Gee, Maurice Gibb. As the Gibb brothers' falsetto harmonies faded out, the DJ apparently said: ''Staying Alive . . . Maurice Gibb . . . but sadly in his case not forever.''

l Reader Paul Forsyth noticed the Ark Royal is steaming to the Gulf under the protection of an air defence system called

Goalkeeper. Says Paul:

''One trusts it wasn't designed

by any legendary Scottish

net-minders, like Frank Haffey

or Stewart Kennedy.''

Talking technical

ONE for you computer geeks. A Diary contact on Skye, where there has been a lengthy campaign to get folk as computer literate as possible, tells us of a friend whose eight-year-old son has been a computer whiz-kid for some time now. That would explain why the lad came running through to his mum to tell her that he had been

watching the news on the telly and that ''Pete Townshend from The Who is a pdf file''.

Double act

EXILED in sunny Queensland, Ian Sutherland notices that John Howard is rumoured to be quitting as Australian prime minister sometime soon. He'll be replaced by treasurer Peter Costello. The man hotly touted as Costello's deputy is the current employment minister, Tony Abbott. Ian says this won't surprise the many locals who reckon the duo have been running Australia for years.