The Diary

"I've a writer pal on The Bill called Matt Lees, and he keeps asking me back, " states Lynn. "I keep saying to him 'Don't make me a crack whore again - my mum watches The Bill'. Matt just says what he always says: 'But you make such a good prostitute'."

Famous last words

THE sad death of Crowded House drummer Paul Hester reminded Jim Buchan of when the New Zealand group played Glasgow's King Tut's in the early 1990s before becoming a big concert hall band. As Jim was on his way to buy a ticket for the gig, the band jumped out of a taxi, and Jim eagerly told them how amazing they were, but sadly he couldn't get a ticket.

"No worries mate, give me your name and I'll put you on the guest list, " frontman Neil Finn cheerily replied.

Feeling superior as he told the steward that night that his new best pal Neil Finn had put him on the guest list, Jim was only slightly deflated when, not finding the name Jim Buchan on the list, he eventually found himself under the name Tim Buttons - Neil's hazy recollection of the name shouted at him.

An MSP's researcher contacted South Ayrshire Council by e-mail on Easter Monday, and received an automatic reply stating: "South Ayrshire Council Offices are closed due to a public holiday.

"We will reopen at 08.45am on 19th October."

"Now that is what I call a holiday, " he tells us.

Train of thought

WHEN it concludes at noon today at the Three Tuns in Edinburgh, One Big Laugh will have set a 36-hour record for non-stop standup fund-raising for the charity Depression Alliance Scotland.

Facing yesterday morning's audience of two other comedians, two barmen, one bar manager, one TV cameraman and three genuine punters, Sandy Easton revealed he'd been on a train from Dundee when he saw a sign saying "Assaulting our staff - is it worth it?" As Sandy continued: "I reckon there are two answers, 'Sorry, I can only tell you when I've finished' and, 'It's free - you can't top that for value, surely'."

Unwise comments, surely, if he expects to get on a train again soon.

Winton of discontent

AUTHOR Anthony Horowitz was telling pupils at Grangemouth High this week, where he was recording a Cover Stories programme for Radio Scotland, how much he disliked his days at an all-boys public school. Trying to explain what it was like, he told the Grangemouth kids:

"Can you imagine being surrounded just by boys?

Even the headmaster's wife was a boy.

"And it gets worse. I had to share a dormitory with Dale Winton."

Yes, spending too much time with the host of Supermarket Sweep and the Lottery programme does, indeed, sound like hell on earth.

Insult to injury

AH, the down-to-earth humour of taxi drivers. A reader who uses a taxi firm regularly knew that the driver was having to cope with his wife being in hospital receiving chemotherapy.

When she asked how she was, the driver explained that he had been to see her that day and that a lot of her hair had fallen out. He went on to say that he told his wife it could have been worse.

"How could it?" asked his passenger.

"I told her, " said the driver, "that she could have lost her moustache as well."

Behind the times

APRIL Fools Day. Not that funny these days. But we notice from an American website recounting its history that "what's really interesting about April Fools Day in Scotland is that it is actually two days.

"The second day of hilarity is called Taily Day, a day solely dedicated to pranks involving the buttocks. Taily Day's gift to posterior posterity is the everhilarious 'Kick Me' sign."

Nope, never heard of it either.

But good to know we are famous for something.

Bright spark

APPRENTICES. Now there's a dying breed. Reader John Calderhead recalls when he was an apprentice electrician that a fellow apprentice declared: "I wish it was Friday."

The wise old senior electrician told him: "You're wishing your life away laddie."

"OK, " replied the lad. "I wish it was last Friday then."