Arresting performance

JUST who is the hugely famous Scots rock star who was detained by London's finest on the day his life changed? Author Martin Kielty prefaces his latest book, Big Noise: the Sound of Scotland, with the tale. Alas, as he was unable to get it confirmed, he couldn't use it. "Pity, " he writes. "I think you'd have liked it."

The story goes that the unnamed Scot was in an executive office to sign a record deal. His eyes, writes Martin, "lit up at the collection of pre-release albums on display in the corner. On expressing an interest, the bosstypes, keen to impress, said he could take whatever he wanted.

"Being a good Glaswegian, he took exactly three more than he could carry and left. Halfway down the street he was stopped by a couple of bobbies, who asked, 'Ere, wotchoo got there then, son?' " In broad Scots brogue on the streets of west London, he explained: "I've just signed a global record deal and the label boss said I could have them for nothing . . ." Huckled.

At a loss

BERT Houliston received a text message on Friday morning telling him that "All ScotRail services south-west of Glasgow are disrupted due to a serious points failure at Ibrox."

Name game

DAVID Hill monitors the BBC Message Boards soccer website. "Celtic and Rangers can be hilarious, " he tells us, going on to cite one of the Celtic contributors, who has chosen as his nickname the cry of anguish that was heard some years ago in the Parkhead stands as an ageing, balding and drop-deadslow Italian prepared to come on as a substitute: "Aw naw no Annoni on an aw."

Fantastic Fanatics

THE Islamic Society of Britain has commissioned a bunch of fanatics to do its PR. Don't believe me?

The society wants them to develop a campaign identity to help promote Muslims as being concerned with common values and as less separatist. And the name of the firm agency the Muslim organisation has chosen? Dezign Fanatics, a professional creative agency. The fanatics have also been carrying out communication projects to help raise funds for a new mosque in Cumbernauld and designed the publicity material for Glasgow's Radio Ramadhan.

Wha's like us

THE Pogues' (right) festive tour hits Glasgow again in December and group member Spider Stacy, asked in the current issue of The Word magazine how they "prepare" for the Christmas gigs, replied: "Some of the band start drinking in April."

He also reveals that their teenage fans in Japan, once so quiet, had become extremely wild. "It's like there's been some mix-up with a lorry-load of blood transfusions from Glasgow and they've all wound up in Osaka and Tokyo, running round like drink-crazed football supporters."

Jim Devine, MP for Livingston and former Unison boss banana, has been invited by the BBC to a launch about The Fertility Revolution. It's being held in Seamen's Hall in London.

Flushed with anger

IT'S not only Islington Council that is plagued by its tenants. Meg Henderson used to have a phone number one digit removed from her local council and often came home to find weird messages from tenants on the answer machine. Her favourite was from an irate wee wifie who said: "When is somebody comin' tae fix ma toilet? It's been blocked for five days an' we've hid tae keep usin' it. Ah'm staunin' in it noo an' it's no' nice, y'know."

Trolley dash

POLICE are in hot pursuit of two vandals who broke a window in a shop in Lamlash, so Ellen Logan tells us. They are seeking more information after one was seen pushing the other away from the scene in a shopping trolley. "A bit more thought about the getaway vehicle might not go amiss, " says the island's Miss Marple.

Open sesame

ALASDAIR MacKellar recalls a memorable story from The Oban Times - "Gates stolen from Soroba" (an area of Oban). It was about a person or persons unknown stealing gates from residents' gardens. Police advised that anyone seen carrying gates in Oban would be stopped and questioned.

"Wonder who thought of that brilliant approach to crime fighting, " says Oban's Poirot. "There are gates missing and there's someone walking away with a gate. Hmm, I wonder . . ."

Single minded

PETER Grant's father used to mark the old IQ tests. One question sought the missing letters in **NGAL** to give the name of a kind of house. After a heated discussion, his father persuaded the heidie that the wee boy who had answered SINGALEN was entitled to have it marked correct.