Henrik to the rescue

RADIO Three's new drama series began with Scots writer Christopher Brookmyre's Bampot Central, about a robbery in Edinburgh during the Festival featuring Dougie Henshall, along with BBC Scotland's Sportsound presenters Richard Gordon, pictured, David Begg, and Murdo MacLeod doing the radio commentaries heard in the background.

During the play's recording, the excellent Mr Begg successfully mimicked himself commentating on the Fringe and the armed robbery, but just couldn't get it right faking a commentary on an imaginary St Mirren v St Johnstone game. It took at least six takes and much coaching, including Murdo acting out scoring a goal for him to commentate on. What clinched it, though, was Richard telling him: ''Right, David. It's Boavista v Celtic, Uefa Cup semi-final. There's 10 minutes left and the ball's just broken to Henrik Larsson.'' After that, as they say in thespian circles, he nailed it.

l Further proof that Edinburgh is becoming the stag night capital of Britain: the vending machine in the gents' at a popular city nightspot now includes a blow-up sheep for (pounds) 4 among its many vital products.

Punch and Joni

HEAD chef Mark Whiteman at Edinburgh's Doric Tavern is having a gourmet night tonight when the meat and game supplier to the royal family will discuss quality Scottish meat with the diners. Someone who will not be there will be American singer Joni Mitchell, who arrived at the Doric a while ago with her entourage who were the worse for drink. When the manager suggested they were a bit rowdy, a punch was thrown by someone in the group and the lot of them were ordered out. Perhaps it was the first time Joni had heard the time-honoured phrase: ''You're barred!'' Some time later a large group of Americans came in to dine at the Doric and when the manager asked how they had heard of the establishment, he was told: ''You're in a guide book for throwing Joni Mitchell out.'' Scottish hospitality: second to none.

Sweet thought

A YOUNG chap went in to the Belgian chocolate shop Les Cygnes at Glasgow's St Enoch centre and was studying the boxes for so long that an assistant asked if he needed help. As the chap explained: ''I must have a box of chocolates that looks like a box of chocolates for my nan's birthday. Last year I gave her a hamper from Marks & Spencer and she told everyone I had given her a box of messages.''

Call of nature

ATTENDING the bingo with her daughter, an elderly woman confessed she'd missed some vital calls and wondered whether age was affecting her concentration. Her daughter told her not to be so daft, going on to offer practical reassurance. ''If you're down to your last number,'' she counselled, ''make sure you associate it with something else you can't help but remember - house numbers or birthdays.'' Later that session, the older woman was waiting on one number for a full house: two. When the caller intoned: ''Number two,'' the older woman leaped to her feet, shouting: ''Jobby!''

Speaking volumes

POP fans are anticipating Justin Timberlake's three sell-out gigs this week at the SECC in Glasgow. When not singing, Justin is a man of few words. Indeed, when interviewed by Rolling Stone magazine during his membership of the original boy band, N Sync, Justin was asked to name the best thing he'd read all year. Justin replied: ''You mean, like . . . a book?''

The final whistle

At the St Johnstone v Motherwell cup tie on Saturday, with the 'Well cruising to victory, fans' thoughts were turning to the nightmare that is getting out of the car park at McDiarmid Park. Graham Faulkner overhears two fans discussing the problem, with one opining: ''The car park's always a nightmare - will we leave early and beat the traffic?''

''We came in the supporters' bus, ya eejit,'' was the exasperated reply.

l Reader Tom Rafferty ponders the truth of rumours that Robert Kilroy-Silk is seeking to make amends for his comments about Arabs by converting to Islam. Says Tom: ''He's settled on one of two Muslim names - Kilroy Wazir or Iza Az-bin.''

Search continues

FIRST minister Jack McConnell's search for a slogan for Scotland is further helped by Diary readers.

l Scotland - Live fast, play fast, Buckfast. (Chris Dwyer)

l Like the Big Issue? You'll love Scotland! (Rhona-Mairead Sweeting)

l Scotland - Due to cost overrun, the slogan will appear here in June 2005. (Andrew Doyle)

l Scotland - A dive and kicking. (Anon)

l Scotland - Proudly preventing English independence since 1707. (Duncan Kerr, Linlithgow)

l Scotland - So near yet so farcical. (Rosie Gallagher,

Birmingham).

A bottle of the specially labelled Diary's Dram from the folk who produce Glengoyne malt whisky for today's winner, Anon - in fact, a politician who is a bit coy about publicity. More tomorrow.