SHAKESPEARE’S great tragedy, Hamlet, is wittily condensed by Adam McNaughtan in a version to be chanted to the tune of The Mason’s Apron. Here is the opening section of the irreverent text. The complete version can be found in The Edinburgh Book of Twentieth-Century Scottish Poetry (EUP, 2005).

OOR HAMLET

There was this king sitting in his gairden a’ alane,

When his brither in his ear poured a wee tate o’ henbane.

Then he stole his brither’s crown an’ his money an’ his widow,

But the deid king walked an’ goat his son an’ said, ‘Hey, listen, kiddo,

Ah’ve been kilt an’ it’s your duty to take revenge on Claudius,

Kill him quick an’ clean an’ show the nation whit a fraud he is,’

The boay says, ‘Right, Ah’ll dae it but Ah’ll need to play it crafty –

So that naeb’dy will suspect me, Ah’ll kid oan that Ah’m a dafty.’

So wi’ a’ excep’ Horatio — an’ he trusts him as a friend —

Hamlet, that’s the boay, kids oan he’s roon’ the bend,

An’ because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin’ ,

He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff the shillin’.

Took the mickey oot Polonius, treatit poor Ophelia vile,

Tellt Rosencrantz an’ Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile.

Then a troupe o’ travellin’ actors like 7.84

Arrived to dae a special wan-night gig in Elsinore

Hamlet! Hamlet! Loved his mammy!

Hamlet! Hamlet! Acting balmy!

Hamlet! Hamlet! Hesitatin’,

Wonders if the ghost’s a cheat

An’ that is how he’s waitin’.

Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact

While Horatio an’ him wad watch to see if Claudius cracked.

The play was ca’d ‘The Moosetrap’ – no the wan that’s runnin’ noo –

An’ sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through.

So Hamlet’s goat the proof that Claudius gi’ed his da the dose,

The only problem being noo that Claudius knows he knows.

So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband’s no a fit wan,

Uncle Claudius pits oot a contract wi’ the English king as hit-man. . .